Highlights

  • 9:50 p.m. EST
  • Election Fact

  • If tonight ends with the winner undecided, it provides a good opportunity to teach your kids about the 2000 Presidential Shitshow from Fucking Hell.
  • 9:41 p.m. EST
  • Twitter Update

  • 9:41 p.m. EST
  • Update From Romney HQ

  • Paul Ryan is currently burning off his extra energy with a quick lap around the United States.
  • 9:30 p.m. EST
  • The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge Presents:

  • Electoral College, flawed system that everyone agrees is obsolete, but is thankfully only used to elect the president of the United States.
  • 9:16 p.m. EST
  • Onion Media Watch

  • UPDATE: CNN.com is a good place to check up on election news if you enjoy reading poorly reported news written by mule-brained imbeciles.
  • 9:09 p.m. EST
  • Voter Turnout Update

  • Hundreds of Alaskan voters are now starting off the day bright and early by heading to the polls.
  • 9:01 p.m. EST
  • From The Onion’s Florida Bureau

  • Florida residents are reporting confusion and widespread disruptions as the entire topography of their state alternates between glowing pink and light blue.
  • 8:53 p.m. EST
  • Election Fact

  • The 16th President of the United States Abraham Lincoln did not have a beard, but his chin and entire jaw line were covered in thousands of moles sprouting thick bristles of hair
  • 8:42 p.m. EST
  • Onion Media Watch

  • UPDATE: More poor journalism from your Pulitzer Award-winning The New York Times.
  • 8:37 p.m. EST
  • National Voter Highlights

  • 8:27 p.m. EST
  • Breaking News From Ohio

  • UPDATE: Vote that will determine whether or not earth is utterly destroyed in 2 years just cast in Ohio by Akron-area mall security guard.
  • 8:22 p.m. EST
  • Election Fact

  • As per election tradition, the University of Georgia will illuminate their school’s bell tower red if Romney wins or immediately torch it in flames if Obama wins.
  • 8:15 p.m. EST
  • Wolf Blitzer Debuts New Real-Time Election Results Beard

  • 8:05 p.m. EST
  • Election Fact

  • There are more than 170 statewide ballot initiatives involving love
  • 7:56 p.m. EST
  • National Voter Highlights

  • 7:45 p.m. EST
  • Voter Turnout Update

  • Early results are showing that 212,350 of the nation’s Dougs have voted in this year’s election, leaving an approximate 78,080 Doug votes still unaccounted for.
  • 7:38 p.m. EST
  • Onion Media Watch

  • UPDATE: The entire New York Times political reporting staff has just amassed what might very well be the worst 24 hours of election-themed coverage ever published. Piss-poor and without merit.
  • 7:32 p.m. EST
  • National Election Highlights:

  • 7:28 p.m. EST
  • National Voter Highlights

  • 7:22 p.m. EST
  • STATSHOT: Which Presidential Candidate Are We Voting For?

  • 7:15 p.m. EST
  • Obama Announces We Are Invading Iran Right Now

  • WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation from the Oval Office this evening, President Barack Obama announced that a full-scale U.S. military invasion of the Islamic Republic of Iran is currently underway.
  • Full Article
  • 7:09 p.m. EST
  • Onion Media Watch

  • UPDATE: Ryan Lizza of The New Yorker magazine has done an exceptionally poor job of covering the election today and should resign.
  • 7:04 p.m. EST
  • National Election Highlights:

  • 6:53 p.m. EST
  • Election Fact

  • To take the White House, a candidate must secure 270 electoral votes; however, candidates can win various other prizes by reaching different predetermined vote totals. Here’s a look at the prizes up for grabs in this year’s election:
    4 electoral votes — Federal Election Commission keychain
    10 electoral votes — American flag pencil set
    25 electoral votes — “Don’t Tread On Me” temporary tattoo
    75 electoral votes — A $25 iTunes gift card
    90 electoral votes — Founding Fathers sticker set
    225 electoral votes — Presidential Seal fleece blanket
    320 electoral votes — A fitted 'Commander-in-Chief' baseball cap
    360 electoral votes — Bald eagle (Note: Ronald Reagan is the only man to ever win a bald eagle.)
  • 6:44 p.m. EST
  • Campaign Finance Update

  • According to campaign finances, Romney blew $17,000 on the vote of Frank Salinsky from Roanoke, VA
  • 6:40 p.m. EST
  • Edwards Celebration Begins

  • John Edwards is currently being greeted by 250,000 cheering supporters in North Carolina
  • 6:35 p.m. EST
  • Romney Wins, Obama Reelected, Supernova Destroys Earth All Possibilities In A Random Universe

  • Our polling experts weigh in on the terrifyingly infinite number of possible election outcomes.

  • 6:28 p.m. EST
  • Onion Media Watch

  • UPDATE: Alexander Burns of Politico.com is doing a very bad job covering the election today.
  • 6:24 p.m. EST
  • National Voter Highlights

  • 6:22 p.m. EST
  • Update From Romney HQ

  • Romney kicking back on Election Day with relaxed pickup sculling race with staff.
  • 6:18 p.m. EST
  • Voter Turnout Update

  • Some polling locations in Virginia are reporting lines as fat as 16,000 pounds.
  • 6:12 p.m. EST
  • Polling Booth Completely Disgusting By Time Last Voters Get There

  • WILMINGTON, DE—Noting the sticky floors, pervasive smell of fecal matter, and greasy residue on the electronic equipment, voters arriving late in the day to cast their ballots at the Woodlawn Library polling station reported that the voting booth was completely disgusting by the time they got there.
  • Full Article
  • 5:53 p.m. EST
  • National Voter Highlights

  • 5:44 p.m. EST
  • Poll Update

  • Barack Obama has edged an 8-point lead over Mitt Romney in the latest New York Times/Benjamin Bratt poll. The traditionally left-leaning poll, a collaboration between the New York Times and actor/pollster Benjamin Bratt, correctly predicted the outcome of 45 of 50 states during the 2008 election.
  • 5:34 p.m. EST
  • STATSHOT: How Are We Voting On Proposition 4?

  • 5:29 p.m. EST
  • Republican Voters Voicing Complaints About Intimidating Black Man On Ballot

  • For more on voter suppression, click here.
  • 5:09 p.m. EST
  • National Voter Highlights

  • 5:00 p.m. EST
  • National Voter Highlights

  • 4:57 p.m. EST
  • National Election Highlights:

  • 4:42 p.m. EST
  • The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge Presents:

  • Election, special day dedicated to celebrating the democratic process in which citizens dress in their best voting clothes, joyfully make their way to their local polling places, and, having carefully weighed the issues of the day and how they relate to the greater good, cast their ballots to change the government for the better. Since it is a national holiday, voters get Election Day off from work so they may gather with family and friends over a festive meal to engage in spirited, but respectful, discussions about the possible outcomes of the election and how it will be remembered in the larger historical context of democracy. Once a candidate is declared the winner, all voters, regardless of political affiliation, dutifully throw their support behind the newly elected official and end the day with a customary toast to government by the people, for the people.
  • 4:30 p.m. EST
  • National Election Highlights:

  • 4:02 p.m. EST
  • STATSHOT: What Issue Matters Most To Us In This Election?

  • 3:48 p.m. EST
  • National Voter Highlights

  • 3:36 p.m. EST
  • Majestic Sounds Of 'Goddamn Long Line’ Ring Across America

  • WASHINGTON—In a breathtaking chorus heard only once every four years, sources confirmed that the glorious sounds of “goddamn long line” rang out across the country Tuesday, resonating with magnificent consonance from the highest mountain tops to the lowest valleys.
  • Full Article
  • 3:24 p.m. EST
  • The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge Presents:

  • Voting, election process during which at least one person writes in “none of the above” and gives himself a little pat on the back for it.
  • 3:16 p.m. EST
  • National Election Highlights:

  • 3:05 p.m. EST
  • STATSHOT: Where Is Our Polling Location?

  • 2:57 p.m. EST
  • Only Name Area Man Recognizes On Ballot 'Jill Stein'

  • ALTOONA, PA—After casting his vote in the presidential election this morning, Altoona voter Doug Lawson, 36, admitted to reporters outside his local polling station that the only name he recognized on the whole ballot was that of Green Party candidate Jill Stein.
  • Full Article
  • 2:34 p.m. EST
  • Poll Workers Overhear Biden Repeating Phrase 'Banged Her' While Reading Names On Ballot

  • GREENVILLE, DE—Local election workers confirmed Tuesday that they overheard Vice President Joe Biden repeating the phrase “banged her” and describing salacious details of sexual encounters with various female candidates as he read through the names listed on his ballot.
  • Full Article
  • 2:18 p.m. EST
  • National Voter Highlights

  • 2:11 p.m. EST
  • Proud Obama Takes Malia And Sasha To Polls To Vote In Their First Election

  • For more on Sasha's role during the campaign, click here.
  • 2:00 p.m. EST
  • 'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards

  • WASHINGTON—With six or more hours remaining before most polling locations close, The Onion is officially calling Florida, Ohio, Colorado, and Pennsylvania for John Edwards, giving the former North Carolina senator 76 electoral votes and virtually assuring his election to the presidency.
  • Full Article
  • 1:30 p.m. EST
  • How To Avoid Unbearable Facebook Bullshit On Election Day

  • How to avoid all of the miserable status updates, photos, and video posts from your most obnoxious Facebook friends on Election Day.

  • 1:17 p.m. EST
  • National Election Highlights:

  • 1:10 p.m. EST
  • Area Man To Run Naked Through Streets Tonight No Matter Who Wins Election

  • OMAHA, NE—Local man Luke Dotson, 34, told reporters this morning that, regardless of who wins today’s presidential election, he plans to take off all his clothes and run screaming through town as soon as a winner is announced.
  • Full Article
  • 12:45 p.m. EST
  • National Voter Highlights

  • 12:15 p.m. EST
  • Enthusiasm Of 18-Year-Old First-Time Voter Completely Unbearable

  • SAN BERNARDINO, CA—According to sources close to high school senior Jeffrey Safran, the 18-year-old’s limitless enthusiasm for casting his first-ever vote has become completely insufferable to everyone around him.
  • Full Article
  • 11:34 a.m. EST
  • National Election Highlights:

  • 11:17 a.m. EST
  • Man Who Eats Breakfast At Dunkin' Donuts Every Morning And Enjoys The ‘Saw’ Films Allowed To Vote

  • YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to records obtained from the Mahoning County registrar’s office, local man David Kearney, who eats breakfast at Dunkin’ Donuts every day and is a passionate fan of the Saw film franchise, is actually allowed to vote in today’s general election.
  • Full Article
  • 11:00 a.m. EST
  • Ashes Of Deceased Presidents Rubbed Upon Voters' Heads In Hallowed Election Day Tradition

  • 10:30 a.m. EST
  • Paul Ryan Spending Final Day Of Campaign Reminding Homeless People They Did This To Themselves

  • Paul Ryan is spending the final day of the campaign doing what he loves–reminding America's downtrodden that everything bad in their lives is their own fault.