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‘Oh God, What Happened Last Night?’ Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife

WASHINGTON—Experiencing a rising sense of dread as he opened his eyes Friday morning and noticed the woman asleep beside him, a groggy and confused Vice President Mike Pence reportedly muttered, “Oh God, what happened last night?” upon waking up in the same bed as his wife. “This is Karen’s bed—what have I done?” said…

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Report: Russia Managed To Penetrate Voter Databases In Order To Ensure Election Was Fair And Free Like The Loyal Allies They Are

ARLINGTON, VA—The Department of Homeland Security released a report Thursday confirming that Russia had in fact penetrated U.S. voter databases in order to ensure the 2016 general election was fair and free, just like the loyal allies they are. “After an exhaustive, months-long investigation, we have discovered…

‘It’s Step, Twist, Step, Dammit!’ Yells Leotard-Wearing, Cigarette-Smoking John Kelly While Choreographing Upcoming Military Parade

WASHINGTON—Wearing a leotard and chain-smoking as he pounded out the measures with his cane, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly screamed, “It’s step, twist, step, dammit!” at a group of Marines on Wednesday as they learned the choreography for President Trump’s upcoming military parade. “Jesus Christ, how many…