‘No, Take Jeb Instead,’ Screams George W. Bush While Shoving Brother Into Father’s Grave

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Having evidently entered the “bargaining” phase of grief in the wake of George H.W. Bush’s death, witnesses confirmed Thursday that George W. Bush shoved his younger brother into their father’s open grave while screaming “No, take Jeb instead!” “Please! Please! Oh, God, please don’t take my father…

Wisconsin Legislature Weakens Incoming Democratic Governor By Restricting His Access To Food, Water, Shelter

MADISON, WI—In an effort to prevent the state’s newly elected leader from enacting his agenda, the Republican-controlled Wisconsin legislature was working to weaken incoming Democratic governor Tony Evers by restricting his access to food, water, and shelter, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We must rein in the…

Trump Boys Raid Sister’s Closet For Sexy Clothes They Can Use To Seduce And Blackmail Robert Mueller

WASHINGTON—With each brother stretching a pair sheer tights over their arms before shimmying into evening gowns, the Trump boys reportedly raided their sister’s closet Tuesday for sexy clothes they could use to seduce and blackmail Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “We can use Ivanka’s fancy dress-up stuff to disguise…

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