Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth

WASHINGTON—Insisting she was not culpable for the inexplicable contents of her spoken communications, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defiantly claimed Friday that she doesn’t know where the voice comes from when she opens her mouth. “Listen, I don’t control where these words come from, okay? When I…

Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to satisfy calls for transparency while also keeping delicate information under wraps, Attorney General William Barr announced Thursday that he had released a catatonic Robert Mueller after excising all sensitive material from the special counsel’s brain. “With the cuts we’ve made to his…

Lightning Bolt Blasts Washington Monument As Mike Pence, Pete Buttigieg Locked In Battle Of Prayers On National Mall

WASHINGTON—Peering into the darkened sky as 200-mph winds began to whip around them, several eyewitnesses confirmed Thursday that a lightning bolt blasted off the top of the Washington Monument while Mike Pence and Pete Buttigieg were locked in a battle of prayers on the National Mall. According to onlookers, the…

White House Says Mueller Report Must Be Kept Private Because It’s So Exonerating It Would Drive Public Mad

WASHINGTON—Arguing that the special counsel’s findings constitute a grave threat to public health, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders told reporters Thursday the Mueller report must never be released because it’s so exonerating it would drive the American people to madness. “This report has found the…

‘What’s All This I’m Hearing About People Getting Security Clearances?’ Asks Confused Mike Pompeo To White House Staff Avoiding Eye Contact

WASHINGTON—Wondering if he had missed an important memo, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo reportedly appeared confused Tuesday as he asked, “What’s all this I’m hearing about people getting security clearances?” to a group of advisers in the West Wing trying to avoid eye contact. “I heard someone down the hall talking…

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