Michigan GOP Passes Legislation Rerouting Flint Drinking Water To Governor’s Mansion For Incoming Democrat
Top Agenda Items In Upcoming Democratic-Majority House
The Democratic Party will retake control of the House of Representatives after gaining a net total of 40 seats in the 2018 midterm elections. The Onion examines the items headlining the Democrats’ agenda as they lead the 116th U.S. Congress.
‘No, Take Jeb Instead,’ Screams George W. Bush While Shoving Brother Into Father’s Grave
COLLEGE STATION, TX—Having evidently entered the “bargaining” phase of grief in the wake of George H.W. Bush’s death, witnesses confirmed Thursday that George W. Bush shoved his younger brother into their father’s open grave while screaming “No, take Jeb instead!” “Please! Please! Oh, God, please don’t take my father…
Incredibly Popular George H.W. Bush Funeral Gets Extended 2-Week Run
WASHINGTON—Declaring that the mourning period for the recently deceased 41st president was “just getting started,” a spokesperson announced Thursday that the incredibly popular George H.W. Bush funeral would go on an extended two-week run. “Based on the outpouring of support we’ve seen for a president who the public…
Wisconsin Legislature Weakens Incoming Democratic Governor By Restricting His Access To Food, Water, Shelter
MADISON, WI—In an effort to prevent the state’s newly elected leader from enacting his agenda, the Republican-controlled Wisconsin legislature was working to weaken incoming Democratic governor Tony Evers by restricting his access to food, water, and shelter, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We must rein in the…
Gina Haspel Briefs Senators On Saudis’ ‘Shockingly Uninspired’ Khashoggi Interrogation
WASHINGTON—Describing the international incident as a run-of-the-mill violation of human rights, CIA director Gina Haspel briefed senators Tuesday on the “shockingly uninspired” techniques employed by Saudi government agents during the interrogation of Jamal Khashoggi. “Unfortunately, all evidence indicates that…
Trump Boys Raid Sister’s Closet For Sexy Clothes They Can Use To Seduce And Blackmail Robert Mueller
WASHINGTON—With each brother stretching a pair sheer tights over their arms before shimmying into evening gowns, the Trump boys reportedly raided their sister’s closet Tuesday for sexy clothes they could use to seduce and blackmail Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “We can use Ivanka’s fancy dress-up stuff to disguise…
GOP-Controlled Wisconsin Legislature Votes To Dissolve State Rather Than Let Democrats Have It
MADISON, WI—Passing the measure along party lines, the GOP-controlled Wisconsin legislature voted Tuesday to dissolve the 30th state admitted to the union rather than let governor-elect Tony Evers and other members of the Democratic Party have it. “This essential legislation officially dismantles the State of…
George H.W. Bush’s Casket Completes Log Flume Journey To U.S. Capitol
WASHINGTON—In preparation for the 41st president’s funeral later this week, George H.W. Bush’s casket completed its thrilling log flume journey to the U.S. capitol, sources confirmed Monday. The former president’s casket, which was launched from a shallow wading pool in Houston, TX, reportedly traveled 1,400 twisting,…
Senate Bill To End U.S. Role In Yemen War Rejected By House Raytheon Executives
WASHINGTON—In a move greatly reducing the possibility that the measure will receive support in the lower chamber of Congress, a Senate resolution to end the U.S. role in the war in Yemen was roundly rejected Thursday by House Raytheon executives. “After a very thorough review, we, the members of the House Raytheon…
Trump Boys Swallow Luggage Keys In Case They Get Locked Up In Jail And Need To Escape
WASHINGTON—After procuring a tall glass of chocolate milk to expedite the process, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly swallowed two sets of luggage keys Wednesday in case they went to jail in the near future and needed to escape. “After the keys, we need to gulp down these maps I drew so we can find our way…
Depressed Mueller Wonders What It Is About Him That Makes Everyone Lie To Him
WASHINGTON—Expressing self-contempt after learning that former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort likely violated the terms of his plea deal, special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly wondered Tuesday what it was about him that makes everyone lie to his face. “It seems like no one ever tells me the truth—what am I…
Trump Insists Manafort, Assange Only Discussed How Bad Collusion Is
WASHINGTON—Downplaying reports that his former campaign chairman may have collaborated with the controversial Wikileaks founder in 2016, President Trump said Tuesday that Paul Manafort and Julian Assange did indeed meet on occasion to discuss how collusion was a bad thing they would “never, ever” do. “Sure, they met a…
