Elizabeth Warren Disappointed After DNA Test Shows Zero Trace Of Presidential Material
Trump Administration Urges Saudis To Stick To Killing Random Yemeni Civilians
WASHINGTON—As criticism mounted over the country’s alleged role in the disappearance and possible death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, the Trump administration reportedly urged the leaders of Saudi Arabia Friday to stick to killing random Yemeni civilians. “The potential murder of a high-profile journalist critical of…
Frightened Don Jr. Asks If He Can Sleep In Dad’s Bed After Bad Dream About Being Indicted
WASHINGTON—Sobbing uncontrollably as he ran into the room, Donald Trump Jr. asked his father, the 45th president of the United States, if he could sleep in his bed with him Thursday night after reportedly having a bad dream about being indicted. “It was so scary! The bad man told me that telling lies to Congress and…
Report: Many States Still Relying On Outdated Methods To Disenfranchise Voters
WASHINGTON—Urging Congress to take action before the entire system was compromised, the Federal Election Commission warned Thursday that many states were still relying on outdated methods to disenfranchise their voters. “The fact that a number of polling places across the country are still trying to purge voter rolls…
Calm, Measured Trump Hard At Work After Freak Accident Leaves Him With Railroad Spike Lodged In Skull
WASHINGTON—Logging countless hours in the Oval Office between warmly greeting foreign diplomats, an unusually serene and well-spoken President Trump was hard at work Thursday, industriously shepherding environmental and civil rights bills through Congress just days after a freak accident left a railroad spike lodged…
New Polls Increase Fears That Midterm Elections Will Be Won By Wave Of Politicians
WASHINGTON—Causing dread and consternation among significant swaths of registered voters, a series of Reuters-Ipsos polls released Tuesday increased fears that the 2018 midterm elections will be won by a wave of politicians. “Right now, many Americans are worried that the 2018 elections could be an absolute landslide…
Nikki Haley Resigns To Accept Consulting Role With Afghan Warlord
NEW YORK—Saying she hoped the new position would allow her to grow both personally and professionally, Nikki Haley announced Tuesday she would resign from her post as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations in order to accept a consulting role with an Afghan warlord. “While I have greatly enjoyed my time in the Trump…
Saudis Insist Missing Journalist Was Already Dismembered Before He Left Consulate
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Claiming that they could not have played a part in the disappearance, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman issued a statement Monday insisting that the exiled journalist Jamal Khashoggi, who went missing last week, had already been dismembered before he left the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.…
Senator Feinstein Wondering If Now A Good Time To Disclose 7 Highly Credible Murder Allegations Against Kavanaugh She Received Weeks Ago
WASHINGTON—Weighing the importance of the information against the potential political fallout, Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) debated Friday whether or not now might be a prudent time to introduce into discussion the seven highly credible murder accusations against Brett Kavanaugh that were given to her in August.…
Kavanaugh Blasted For Destroying Reputation Of Good Man
WASHINGTON—Decrying the tactics as a smear campaign against an exemplary judge, Republicans blasted Brett Kavanaugh Friday for destroying the sterling reputation of a good man. “It’s despicable that this individual waited until the 11th hour to engage in offensive, partisan attacks in an attempt to discredit a decent…
Trump Wakes Up Covered In Dozens Of Small Cuts After Being Chased Through Dreams By Razor-Blade-Fingered Robert Mueller
WASHINGTON—Slowly coming to the realization that something was terribly wrong, President Trump reportedly awoke Friday to discover his entire body covered in dozens of small cuts after being chased through his dreams by a menacing Robert Mueller brandishing fingers covered in razor blades. “Oh, thank God. It was just…
Dick Durbin Wakes Up Chained To Radiator With Instructions To Saw Open Own Stomach To Access Kavanaugh Report
WASHINGTON—Stirring from his chloroform-induced stupor to discover a handwritten note shoved inside his pocket, Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) reportedly awoke Thursday chained to a radiator with instructions to saw open his own stomach if he wished to access the FBI’s report on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “You…
Clinton Laughs Off Idea She Politically Savvy Enough To Launch Revenge Campaign On Kavanaugh
CHAPPAQUA, NY—Brushing aside insinuations that she had anything to do with the rancorous confirmation process, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton laughed off Wednesday the idea that she was politically savvy enough to run a revenge campaign against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “It’s utterly…
Ted Cruz Vs. Beto O’Rourke
The Texas Senate race between incumbent Republican Ted Cruz and his challenger, Democrat Beto O’Rourke, has become a high-profile contest with implications for both the state and on the national stage. The Onion breaks down the differences between the candidates.
Lions, Zebras, Giraffes Run Off Cliff Shrieking En Masse As Shadow Of Melania Trump’s Jet Passes Over Savanna
DABOYA, GHANA—Birds fell from the sky, meerkats devoured their young, and shrieking packs of lions, zebras, and baboons reportedly ran off cliffs in staggering numbers as the shadow of Melania Trump’s jet passed over the African savanna Tuesday. Sources confirmed that as the plane carrying the first lady moved across…
Kavanaugh Starting To Get Worried About Not Hearing Back After Job Interview
WASHINGTON—Frantically pacing around his home, pausing only to refresh his email inbox and check his phone’s call log, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was starting to get worried Tuesday about not hearing back from his potential employers after his job interview. “Oh man, oh man—it’s almost been a week already…
