A redacted version of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into potential collusion between the Trump presidential campaign and Russian agents to influence the 2016 election was released to the public on Thursday. Here are the biggest revelations from the Mueller report.

WASHINGTON—Insisting she was not culpable for the inexplicable contents of her spoken communications, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defiantly claimed Friday that she doesn’t know where the voice comes from when she opens her mouth. “Listen, I don’t control where these words come from, okay? When I…

The recent departures of DHS secretary Kirstjen Nielsen and Secret Service director Randolph Alles have been the latest in the historically high turnover among top officials in the Trump administration. The Onion takes a look at the administration’s highest-profile departures during President Trump’s two-plus years in…

FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CA—Urging readers to “stay tuned” and follow along on its website for more, Boating World Magazine was providing live updates Thursday as its team of reporters read through the more than 400 pages of the Mueller report. “So far, we have not uncovered any breaking news within the report about…

WASHINGTON—According to a conclusion reached by expert analysis Thursday, you are far too dumb to be reading Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election yourself. “To put it bluntly, you are a moron, and as a moron, you lack the basic reading skills that would make looking at this…

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to satisfy calls for transparency while also keeping delicate information under wraps, Attorney General William Barr announced Thursday that he had released a catatonic Robert Mueller after excising all sensitive material from the special counsel’s brain. “With the cuts we’ve made to his…

DES MOINES, IA—Revealing that he taught himself the language after developing an interest in computer science and artificial intelligence, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg stunned a campaign crowd Wednesday by speaking to manufacturing robots in fluent binary. “01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000…

WASHINGTON—In a scathing attack on the very foundations of democracy and everything the United States stands for, Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) disrespectfully referred Monday to America, the land of the free and the home of the brave, as “a place.” “It’s unconscionable to think that this so-called American would use a vile…

WASHINGTON—Explaining that he would present the investigation’s findings in a format that offered the most richly detailed portrayal of its full meaning, Attorney General William Barr reportedly agreed Friday to release a nonverbal, abstract visual representation of the Mueller report. “I’m nearly done going through…

WASHINGTON—Peering into the darkened sky as 200-mph winds began to whip around them, several eyewitnesses confirmed Thursday that a lightning bolt blasted off the top of the Washington Monument while Mike Pence and Pete Buttigieg were locked in a battle of prayers on the National Mall. According to onlookers, the…

WASHINGTON—Saying they are now convinced the candidate is overwhelmingly qualified to lead the country, a majority of Americans have shifted their support to Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) in the 2020 presidential race since learning he is a millionaire, a Pew Research Center poll found Wednesday. “I have my reservations…

WASHINGTON—Expressing relief that the Republican can finally channel his long-held bigotry into wide-reaching legislative action, family of Texas congressman Louie Gohmert told reporters Wednesday they were glad he finally found an outlet for his racism. “It’s always hard to see someone you love wander aimlessly,…

WASHINGTON—Following the announcement that Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen was leaving her post, President Trump told reporters Monday he would conduct an extensive search to find a replacement with the right personality disorders necessary for the role. “Though I admired Kirstjen’s ability to remain cold…

WASHINGTON—Arguing that the special counsel’s findings constitute a grave threat to public health, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders told reporters Thursday the Mueller report must never be released because it’s so exonerating it would drive the American people to madness. “This report has found the…

WASHINGTON—Wondering if he had missed an important memo, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo reportedly appeared confused Tuesday as he asked, “What’s all this I’m hearing about people getting security clearances?” to a group of advisers in the West Wing trying to avoid eye contact. “I heard someone down the hall talking…

DAVENPORT, IA—Asserting he could fund his campaign just fine no matter how small the contributions were, increasingly cocky presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced Tuesday he would no longer be accepting any donations in excess of 27 cents. “Maybe some of my opponents are comfortable courting big donors who…