WASHINGTON—Saying it was the only way to really know whether he could trust his new attorney general, President Trump loaded a single bullet into a .357 Magnum revolver and demanded William Barr prove his loyalty by putting the barrel in his mouth and pulling the trigger, White House sources confirmed Friday. “If…

WASHINGTON—In response to President Donald Trump’s continued attacks against the legitimacy of his probe into 2016 election interference, Special Counsel Robert Mueller admitted Thursday that a smarter president would have totally found a way to stop the investigation by now. “Listen, my investigation has been going…

WASHINGTON—Promising that they had learned their lesson and would not fall into the same traps they did in the last presidential election cycle, the U.S. populace vowed Wednesday not to repeat the errors of 2016, while, at the same time, nearly every American voter continued to use the internet. “We’re not going to…

WASHINGTON—Vowing to do whatever he could to help Special Counsel Robert Mueller investigate the campaign consultant’s role in 2016 election interference, President Trump reportedly agreed Wednesday to wear a wire to take down Roger Stone. “I’ve known Roger for years, but it’s time to put my country first and do…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to remain as objective as possible when considering ways of addressing the ongoing crisis, President Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was leaving all violent options on the table in Venezuela. “If America’s interests are threatened anywhere in the world, the U.S. retains the right to use…

WASHINGTON—Providing a lengthy, comprehensive explanation of the factors influencing his decision to declare a national emergency that would send military funding and personnel to the nation’s southern border, President Donald Trump offered a clear, historical precedent Friday for deploying the U.S. military with no…

WASHINGTON—Enthusiastically praising the commander-in-chief for holding firm in the face of opposition, Donald Trump’s political base cheered on the president Friday for standing up to the U.S. Constitution. “He stayed strong and really showed the Constitution who’s boss,” said 48-year-old Trump supporter Ross…

WASHINGTON—Explaining to the House Foreign Affairs Committee that it was a totally acceptable practice at the time, Elliott Abrams defended Wednesday the war crimes he committed in Latin America by pointing out that it was just something everyone was doing back in the ’80s. “You’ve got to understand that running…

WASHINGTON—Hoping to create a teachable moment after one of his supporters attacked a BBC cameraman at a rally in El Paso, TX, President Trump announced Tuesday he had invited the two men to join him at the White House so they could finish their altercation. “It’s time for these guys to acknowledge their differences…

WASHINGTON—Admitting they had just assumed the candidate was some kind of quirky billionaire or one of those CEOs who runs for president just to raise his profile, all 325 million Americans expressed horror Tuesday upon learning Cory Booker was a sitting U.S. senator. “He’s an elected official? In the United States …

TUCSON, AZ—As it spoke through the astronaut’s mouth, vowing to bring a new perspective to Washington, sources confirmed Tuesday that the parasitic space worm controlling Mark Kelly’s body had announced its bid for the United States Senate. “I am pleased to announce that, yes, I am running for your Congress, where I…

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Vowing to relentlessly battle and never back down, Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) pledged this week in her campaign kickoff that she would never stop fighting everyday Americans. “I will stand up to the common man—with my fists,” said Klobuchar, asserting that she would take on all Americans—rich, poor,…

WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration at the obnoxious, nonstop attempts to aid his investigation, special counsel Robert Mueller was reportedly annoyed Friday that a chipper, overeager Representative Adam Schiff (D-CA) keeps constantly sending him evidence he’s already uncovered. “Christ, he just emailed me a Washington…