WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly flustered while impotently pounding on the front door and pleading to come inside, President Trump was reportedly locked out of the White House Thursday after accidentally revoking his own security clearance. “C’mon, just open the door, guys! I didn’t mean to strip myself of access to…
WASHINGTON—Denying that any attempt had been made to withhold information relevant to the Supreme Court confirmation process, Senate Republicans promised Wednesday there would be plenty of time to review Brett Kavanaugh’s writings once they had become the law of the land. “We’ll have an opportunity to thoroughly vet…
WASHINGTON—Insisting that it had to be in the audio recordings made during her time in the administration, Omarosa Manigault-Newman was frantically searching Tuesday through tapes of everyone else in the White House using the N-word for one of President Trump uttering the racial slur. “C’mon, c’mon, I know Trump’s in…
WASHINGTON—Q, the pseudonymous individual who for the last several months has released classified information about high-ranking government officials and the deep state, reportedly tendered his resignation from the U.S. Department of Agriculture Tuesday after failing to properly file an expense report. “I want to…
WASHINGTON—In response to former aide Omarosa Manigault-Newman releasing a conversation between the two of them that he didn’t know was being taped, President Donald Trump reportedly condemned White House staffers’ use of a secret recording studio Monday. “I’m shocked and completely furious that people who I…
WASHINGTON—Suffering yet another unexpected setback during his ongoing investigation into foreign collusion with the Trump campaign, Special Counsel Robert Mueller scrambled Friday to contain the damage to his documents after spilling an entire Grape Crush Big Gulp all over his Russia evidence. “No, no, no! No! Aw,…
WASHINGTON—Feigning polite interest throughout the 90-minute meeting, Pentagon officials from all five branches of the armed forces listened in silence Thursday as Mike Pence presented his detailed plans for a state-of-the-art angel-guided weapons system. “Though we are grateful for the vice president’s interest in…
NEW YORK—Saying that the affair was rapidly deteriorating into a boondoggle that should have been resolved months ago, presidential lawyer Rudy Giuliani demanded Thursday that Special Counsel Robert Mueller stop wasting taxpayer money, wrap up his investigation immediately, and imprison the president no later than…
WASHINGTON—Saying he just wants to fit in with his colleagues, shy Rep. Harold Olsen confided to reporters Wednesday that he often feels left out of all the illegal activities going on in Congress and wishes his fellow lawmakers would include him in their crimes. “I see everyone around me committing these…
WASHINGTON—Muttering that he needed something more potent to get him flying again, Stephen Miller was desperately searching for his next fix Tuesday after the high of detained children began wearing off. “You get a taste for immigrant children suffering and then you’re always chasing the dragon—now I need at least…
ALEXANDRIA, VA—Speaking to a packed courtroom during his second day of testimony in the fraud trial for his former boss, Rick Gates fondly recalled Tuesday when Paul Manafort found him as a hapless street urchin and taught him how to pickpocket. “I was just a pauper sleeping on the streets of D.C. when I was…
NORILSK, RUSSIA—Following the president’s disclosure that the purpose of the controversial June 2016 Trump Tower meeting was in fact held to collect opposition research on Hillary Clinton, hundreds of Russian orphans were devastated Monday after realizing that Donald Trump Jr. did not in fact call Russian lobbyists to…
