WASHINGTON—Struggling to use their best penmanship as they wielded the king-size Sharpie permanent markers, the Trump boys attempted to counter Chinese currency manipulation Friday by adding extra zeros to $20 bills. “Our dad is doing a big money war with China, so we took our allowance and turned it into two…

EL PASO, TX—Expressing sincere condolences for the tornado or whatever it was, President Donald Trump consoled an El Paso shooting victim Thursday while wolfing down a bowl of chili. “It’s really terrible what that hurricane or whatever did to your house,” said Trump, who quickly polished off the chili by lifting up…

WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his 34-year career in Congress that led to his becoming the most powerful person in the Senate, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly noted Wednesday that he couldn’t help but wonder sometimes if he could’ve done more to harm people in the private sector. “Sure, I’ve been able to hurt a…

WASHINGTON—After President Trump openly denounced white supremacy Monday in an errant statement on the mass shootings in Dayton, OH and El Paso, TX, every aide in the West Wing reportedly went into damage-control mode, looking for ways to get him back on message. “Great, now we’re going to be here all night figuring…

WASHINGTON—During a press conference held in a D.C. parking lot, Environmental Protection Agency head Andrew Wheeler went out of his way Friday to show carbon emissions were safe by putting his mouth over the exhaust pipe of an idling Jeep Grand Cherokee and taking several deep breaths. “Despite all the fear-mongering…