WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—Shedding new light on the U.S. populace’s view of current national predicaments, a Monmouth University poll released Tuesday revealed that an increasing number of voters hold the founding fathers responsible for starting America. “As many as 75 percent of voters blame the country’s issues on the…

WASHINGTON—Standing uncharacteristically firm as the partial government shutdown stretched into the 25th day, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer admitted Tuesday that he was honestly pretty amazed he hadn’t caved yet. “Realistically, I thought I’d make it five days max before rolling over and giving them whatever…

WASHINGTON—Responding to backlash over controversial remarks in which the congressman lamented that “white nationalist” had become an offensive term, the GOP stripped Steve King (R-IA) of his post Monday on the powerful House Segregation Committee. “Despite Representative King’s long and dutiful history on the House…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to prepare the nominee to speak in front of the Senate, advisors to Donald Trump’s attorney general pick William Barr reportedly instructed him Monday to avoid referring to the president as “my liege” during his confirmation hearing. “Mr. Barr, we recommend you eliminate the phrase ‘His…

WASHINGTON—Noting that the resignation of James Mattis as Secretary of Defense marked the ouster of the third top administration official in less than three weeks, a worried populace told reporters Friday that it was unsure how many former Trump staffers it could safely reabsorb. “Jesus, we can’t just take back these…

WASHINGTON—Desperate to unwind after months of nonstop work investigating Russian influence in the 2016 election, visibly exhausted Special Counsel Robert Mueller powered his phone down Friday in order to give himself a break from any news concerning the probe over the holiday break. “The last thing I want when I’m…

Nearly halfway through his presidential term, Donald Trump has continued to exist in a perpetual state of controversy, and 2018 provided no shortage of outrageous moments. The Onion looks back at the most significant events in the Trump presidency in 2018.

WASHINGTON—Attempting to make amends for gross abuses of power during his time as Interior Department Secretary, an unusually contrite Ryan Zinke apologized Monday for misusing government funds by sending the members of the ethics committee a $160,000 vase. “I know this doesn’t change anything about how I exploited my…

WASHINGTON—Decrying the Senate’s resolution blaming the crown prince for the brutal torture and murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi as “a cruel, inhumane, and unprecedented interference into a sovereign kingdom’s internal affairs,” the Trump administration launched a human rights investigation Monday into the…

NEW YORK—Following sentencing for his role in a hush-money scandal, Michael Cohen was granted a prison work release for a new job with the Trump 2020 campaign, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We’re confident that engaging in honest work will help Mr. Cohen with his rehabilitation,” said warden Pete Clements, telling…

NEW YORK—After receiving a three-year sentence in a federal penitentiary for tax evasion, campaign finance violations, misleading a bank, and lying to Congress, Michael Cohen completed the first of stage of his intricate plan to break his incarcerated brother out of prison from the inside, sources confirmed Wednesday.…