RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In an effort to be completely transparent about his business deals, a bearded, keffiyeh-clad Jared Kushner announced Friday that he would avoid conflicts of interest by joining the Saudi royal family. “The American people deserve to know exactly where I stand in regards to financial interests, so…
The highly controversial recent confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court marks an especially divisive moment in the history of America’s judicial branch. The Onion takes a look at the most pivotal moments in the Supreme Court’s 229-year history.
AUSTIN, TX—Emphasizing that the state had done nothing so far to merit anything besides the status quo, a new attack ad released Thursday by incumbent Sen. Ted Cruz declared that his challenger, Rep. Beto O’Rourke, was “too good” for Texas. “He’s charismatic, he’s good-looking, he’s clearly a nice guy—and frankly, you…
WASHINGTON—In what is being described as a “close call” for the aircraft’s passengers and crew, sources reported that Melania Trump’s plane was forced to turn around and make an emergency landing Wednesday after thick plumes of smoke began billowing out of the first lady. “There was a strong burning smell, and as soon…
WASHINGTON—Providing vital new insight into their ancestral roots, a homemade DNA test self-administered by Eric and Donald Trump Jr. Wednesday proved definitively that they are both at least “one jar blood.” “I always figured I was at least half a jar blood, and now we got the proof,” said Donald Trump Jr., visibly…
NASHVILLE, TN—Hastily shooing away the varmints with corn whisk brooms, members of the Tennessee State Election Commission reportedly drove a pack of wild animals out of local voting booths Tuesday in preparation for the upcoming midterm election. “Y’all critters ain’t welcome in this here polling place—go on, get!”…
WASHINGTON—As criticism mounted over the country’s alleged role in the disappearance and possible death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, the Trump administration reportedly urged the leaders of Saudi Arabia Friday to stick to killing random Yemeni civilians. “The potential murder of a high-profile journalist critical of…
WASHINGTON—Sobbing uncontrollably as he ran into the room, Donald Trump Jr. asked his father, the 45th president of the United States, if he could sleep in his bed with him Thursday night after reportedly having a bad dream about being indicted. “It was so scary! The bad man told me that telling lies to Congress and…
WASHINGTON—Urging Congress to take action before the entire system was compromised, the Federal Election Commission warned Thursday that many states were still relying on outdated methods to disenfranchise their voters. “The fact that a number of polling places across the country are still trying to purge voter rolls…
WASHINGTON—Logging countless hours in the Oval Office between warmly greeting foreign diplomats, an unusually serene and well-spoken President Trump was hard at work Thursday, industriously shepherding environmental and civil rights bills through Congress just days after a freak accident left a railroad spike lodged…
WASHINGTON—Causing dread and consternation among significant swaths of registered voters, a series of Reuters-Ipsos polls released Tuesday increased fears that the 2018 midterm elections will be won by a wave of politicians. “Right now, many Americans are worried that the 2018 elections could be an absolute landslide…
NEW YORK—Saying she hoped the new position would allow her to grow both personally and professionally, Nikki Haley announced Tuesday she would resign from her post as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations in order to accept a consulting role with an Afghan warlord. “While I have greatly enjoyed my time in the Trump…
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Claiming that they could not have played a part in the disappearance, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman issued a statement Monday insisting that the exiled journalist Jamal Khashoggi, who went missing last week, had already been dismembered before he left the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.…
WASHINGTON—Weighing the importance of the information against the potential political fallout, Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) debated Friday whether or not now might be a prudent time to introduce into discussion the seven highly credible murder accusations against Brett Kavanaugh that were given to her in August.…
