PERRYSBURG, OH—Promising to restore economic vitality and dignity to the struggling Rust Belt municipality, President Trump made a solemn promise Monday to bring back the town of Perrysburg, OH’s shuttered White Castle franchise. “White Castle was the lifeblood of this community, but unfortunately, during a previous…

EL PASO, TX—Revealing plans to “put his own spin” on beloved stump speeches and talking points, Beto O’Rourke announced Thursday that he was starting a Barack Obama cover campaign. “I’ve always loved Barack’s early stuff from back in ’08, even ’04, and I think diehard fans will go crazy when I cover all his greatest…

SOUTH BEND, IN—Touting the benefits in tourism and business revenue that such a project had already brought to his hometown, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate and South Bend, IN mayor Pete Buttigieg announced Thursday a bold plan for a 2,500-mile intercontinental riverwalk. “At a time when Americans are more…

WASHINGTON—Following a House of Representatives vote to support statehood for the District of Columbia, sources confirmed Tuesday that the nation’s flag nerds were breathless with anticipation, imagining all the potential configurations of stars and stripes that might result from adding a new state. “For years,…

DES MOINES, IA—Offering new insight into the preferences of Democratic voters, a poll released Tuesday by The Des Moines Register and CNN found that nearly 60 percent of likely Iowa caucus-goers would support a presidential candidate with the name Bobby Cheeseburger. “As many as 47 percent of those surveyed indicated…

WASHINGTON—Insisting that the technology was far too complex and required significant scientific knowledge to use, President Donald Trump complained Tuesday about the overly complicated controls needed to operate modern-day doors. “Doors these days are way too intricate and confusing for the average person to open or…

The Green New Deal, a set of proposals aimed at combating climate change, is being championed by many progressive leaders, although its detractors say it is unrealistic and economically unfeasible. The Onion takes a deep dive into the Green New Deal to look at its most significant policy items.

Many top Republican elected officials, including Senators Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz, went from criticizing Donald Trump during the 2016 election to becoming some of the president’s staunchest supporters. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how many of Trump’s GOP detractors become his biggest cheerleaders.

DENVER—Kicking off his campaign with a promise to order the U.S. military to wipe the sovereign nation off the face of the Earth, presidential candidate John Hickenlooper announced Tuesday his support for using nuclear weapons against Australia just to see if anyone was listening to him. “That’s right—did you hear…