GOP Officials: Kavanaugh Shouldn’t Be Held Accountable For Something He Did As White Teenager

WASHINGTON—Vehemently defending the Supreme Court nominee against recent allegations of sexual assault, GOP officials declared Wednesday that Brett Kavanaugh shouldn’t be held accountable for something he did as a white teenager. “We’re talking about something that occurred when Mr. Kavanaugh was a mere 17-year-old…

Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask

DALLAS—In an effort to make himself more appealing to voters, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to connect with the audience at a candidate forum Tuesday by wearing the bloody, skinned face of a far more handsome man as a mask. “People are really responding to this new, dapper Ted Cruz,” said campaign manager Jeff…

White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor

WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of earlier immigration policy, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that his administration was increasing the number of asylum seekers allowed to enter the United States’ spike-filled refugee compactor. “We feel strongly that 15 million people fleeing abuses in their own countries…

Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court

WASHINGTON—Following Christine Blasey Ford’s accusation that he sexually assaulted her at a high school party, sources close to Brett M. Kavanaugh told reporters Monday that the nominee was “sweating bullets” due to betting his entire life savings on his confirmation to the Supreme Court. “Oh, shit, it was a sure…

Mike Pence Struggling To Reckon With Vision Of Prophet Muhammad Revealing That VP Destined To Become Next President

WASHINGTON—Deeply troubled by the communication received from a divine messenger, Mike Pence was reportedly struggling Friday to reckon with a recent vision of the Prophet Muhammad revealing that the vice president was destined to become the next president of the United States. “He told me that I was the chosen one…

Trump Unfairly Claims Credit For Rise In Economic Inequality That Occurred Under Obama’s Watch

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the president was minimizing the contributions of his predecessor while making hyperbolic claims about his administration’s own input, experts reportedly criticized President Trump Tuesday for unfairly claiming credit for the rise in economic inequality that occurred under President Obama’s…

Trump Boys Leave $5 Bill, Candy Bar Under Propped-Up Laundry Basket In Effort To Catch Op-Ed Writer

WASHINGTON—Promising that the author would spend “100 kajillion years in jail,” Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. told reporters Tuesday that they had left a $5 bill and a Snickers bar under a propped-up laundry basket in order to trap the anonymous writer of the New York Times op-ed piece. “Everyone is super mad about…

Kavanaugh Panicking After Botching Part Of Confirmation Where He Asked If He Rejects Satan

WASHINGTON—Admitting that he regretted his answer as soon as it came out of his mouth, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly panicking Wednesday after botching the part of his confirmation where he was asked if he rejects Satan. “Shit, I was supposed to say ‘yes,’” said Kavanaugh, who, when asked by the…