Calm, Measured Trump Hard At Work After Freak Accident Leaves Him With Railroad Spike Lodged In Skull

WASHINGTON—Logging countless hours in the Oval Office between warmly greeting foreign diplomats, an unusually serene and well-spoken President Trump was hard at work Thursday, industriously shepherding environmental and civil rights bills through Congress just days after a freak accident left a railroad spike lodged…

Senator Feinstein Wondering If Now A Good Time To Disclose 7 Highly Credible Murder Allegations Against Kavanaugh She Received Weeks Ago

WASHINGTON—Weighing the importance of the information against the potential political fallout, Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) debated Friday whether or not now might be a prudent time to introduce into discussion the seven highly credible murder accusations against Brett Kavanaugh that were given to her in August.…

Trump Wakes Up Covered In Dozens Of Small Cuts After Being Chased Through Dreams By Razor-Blade-Fingered Robert Mueller

WASHINGTON—Slowly coming to the realization that something was terribly wrong, President Trump reportedly awoke Friday to discover his entire body covered in dozens of small cuts after being chased through his dreams by a menacing Robert Mueller brandishing fingers covered in razor blades. “Oh, thank God. It was just…

Dick Durbin Wakes Up Chained To Radiator With Instructions To Saw Open Own Stomach To Access Kavanaugh Report

WASHINGTON—Stirring from his chloroform-induced stupor to discover a handwritten note shoved inside his pocket, Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) reportedly awoke Thursday chained to a radiator with instructions to saw open his own stomach if he wished to access the FBI’s report on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “You…

Lions, Zebras, Giraffes Run Off Cliff Shrieking En Masse As Shadow Of Melania Trump’s Jet Passes Over Savanna

DABOYA, GHANA—Birds fell from the sky, meerkats devoured their young, and shrieking packs of lions, zebras, and baboons reportedly ran off cliffs in staggering numbers as the shadow of Melania Trump’s jet passed over the African savanna Tuesday. Sources confirmed that as the plane carrying the first lady moved across…