HOUSTON—Startling the 10 candidates who qualified to participate in the event, Marianne Williamson materialized on the debate stage in a puff of purple smoke Thursday, proclaiming the Democratic National Committee’s polling requirements were no match for the power of positive thinking. “The DNC thinks I need to get at…

WASHINGTON—Responding to critics who have again accused President Trump of enriching himself from government business, White House officials defended Monday their boss’s decision to make astronauts spend their nights at his golf club in Doonbeg, Ireland, while they conduct a mission in space. “To be clear, Trump…

BUTTE, MT—In a glitzy venue filled with the biggest names in the wildlife community, the nation’s bison hosted an opulent gala fundraiser Friday in an effort to convince the 2020 Democratic candidates to support the environment. “This is a great opportunity for us to get a lot of face time with the presidential…

DES MOINES, IA—As concerns mount over the viability of the gaffe-prone candidate, sources confirmed Wednesday that the campaign of former Vice President Joe Biden is increasingly worried following an incident in which the Democratic front-runner reportedly gave an unsolicited back rub to a coat rack. “He gave the rack…

AUBURN HILLS, MI—Touting their excitement over the rare opportunity to offer a motor vehicle developed with the signature sense of style of a former leader of the free world, Fiat Chrysler Automobiles of North America announced Tuesday that Barack and Michelle Obama have signed a multimillion-dollar six-truck contract…

DES MOINES, IA—Following an uncomfortable flub on the campaign trail, political experts warned Tuesday that Joe Biden’s latest gaffe of repeatedly shouting “Help! Who am I? Where am I? Who are you people?” during a recent rally in Iowa risked embarrassing the candidate during his presidential run. “Biden is still the…

EMPORIA, KS—Unveiling the new nationwide messaging strategy after six months of planning and research, the Democratic Party launched its “Listen Up, Hayseeds” campaign Monday to win over rural voters. “Hey, you redneck simpletons, put down your whittling sticks, drag yourself away from the Cracker Barrel, and let us…

WASHINGTON—Placing his own body between the head of state and a mortal threat without a single thought or moment’s hesitation, Secret Service agent Dan McGuire took a bull intended for President Donald Trump Thursday as they crossed the White House lawn. “I remember seeing suspicious movement out of the corner of my…