ROCKPORT, IN—Revealing that the latest addition to the presidential race had totally upended the 2020 election, a national poll conducted Monday found that President Donald Trump, as well as every single Democratic candidate, were now trailing a mysterious rune-covered Obelisk by 80 points.
The newest numbers, which come from Emerson College, found that the 200-foot tall pillar, which reportedly has cryptic, glowing symbols engraved onto its surface, is now dominating among Democrats, Republicans, and independents. Several major polls also indicated that after the monolithic column suddenly materialized in a cornfield and began emitting a low humming noise, statisticians observed an extreme uptick in voters who previously supported Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Pete Buttigieg, Elizabeth Warren, Andrew Yang, Amy Klobuchar, Tom Steyer, Mike Bloomberg, and Donald Trump announcing in unison that they intended to cast their ballot for “the one true candidate: the Obelisk.”
“From its late entrance into the race to the way it attracts people from all over the political spectrum, the Obelisk is really what you’d call a dark horse candidate,” said pollster Leslie Fabacher, adding that voters responded positively to its imposing figure and independent gravitational field. “Sure, this arcane column made from some indeterminable material could have ended up another Tom Steyer or Michael Bloomberg, but now, Americans of virtually every demographic, regardless of age, gender, race, or religion, are connecting with the Obelisk’s mesmerizing thrum.”
“Voters really seem to relate to this Washington outsider that comes from a realm unknown to science,” Fabacher added.
According to pollsters, out of the 500 rural Indiana residents surveyed, over 99% pledged total obedience to the infallible Obelisk. In addition, respondents said that they felt confident about the future after gazing upon the constantly shifting runes emblazoned on the monolith. When asked if they would consider voting for a candidate other than the Obelisk, those surveyed were either heard screaming in pain or answered, “The Obelisk is all; we are the Obelisk.”
According to the Federal Election Commission, the Obelisk has already shattered all fundraising records as compliant Americans from across the country emptied their bank accounts and flocked to the mystifying pillar to drop all of their earthly possessions in front of it.
Polls also showed that pro-Obelisk Democrats and Republicans did not mind that the Obelisk was registered with a party by the name of “[indecipherable runic language].”
“When I felt the rumble beneath me and saw a white-hot, screaming Obelisk suddenly appear out of thin air, I knew that was the candidate for me,” said Iowa voter Aaron Yalder, 49, adding that while he had been undecided for months, the Obelisk blinded him and commanded him to drop all other political allegiances. “Sure, I like that Sanders supports the United Steelworkers Union. And I like that Trump is tough on crime. But there was just something about that deep, low voice, speaking in a language I could not comprehend, occupying my every thought and controlling my every move.”
“There is only the Obelisk,” Yalder added. “How can you argue with that?”
While the enigmatic column has only been in the race for less than 24 hours, the Obelisk has also secured the endorsements of numerous leading political figures, such as Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), as well as former presidents Jimmy Carter, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama, who have all been spotted with the Obelisk, unconscious, floating hundreds of feet above the ground.
Even organizations such as Priorities USA, America First, and Citizens United have thrown their support and money behind the mysterious pillar, citing it as “The one choice. The only choice.”
“Look, when it comes to politics, there’s no other candidate that has connected with all Americans past and all Americans future, and has pledged to reinstate the Clean Waters Act,” said Jessica Karling, a leader at SuperPac American Bridge, rending her clothes and filling the Obelisk’s runes with the blood of her newborn. “I’ve been doing this for over 50 years, and it’s not just the fact I am its vessel and it is my one true God and I would murder anyone for the Obelisk, anyone, just tell me, I’ll kill them—it’s the fact that it really cares about the American people.”
“It’s 2020, and this is going to be an election like we’ve never seen before,” she added while bowing down to the Obelisk and self-flagellating with a tulip tree branch.
At press time, the Obelisk, which reportedly vaporized Senator Amy Klobuchar, after she denounced the monolith as divisive, immediately surged to a 100% approval rating.