Area Liberal No Longer Recognizes Fanciful, Wildly Inaccurate Mental Picture Of Country He Lives In

CHICAGO—Expressing dismay and confusion over voters selecting Donald Trump as the next president of the United States, area liberal Ryan Garlock reportedly told a group of his friends Wednesday that he no longer recognizes his fanciful, wildly inaccurate mental picture of the country he lives in. “This just isn’t the…

‘Donald Trump Is The 45th President Of The United States,’ Spontaneously Reports Subconscious During First Calm Moment Of Day

NEW YORK—During the first brief moment of calm that she had felt since she awoke, local woman Jennifer Gibson’s subconscious reportedly fired off a spontaneous reminder Wednesday that Donald Trump will be the nation’s next commander-in-chief. “Donald Trump is going to be the 45th president of the United States,”…

Anderson Cooper Informs Viewers CNN Just Minutes Away From First Significant Piece Of Information Of Day

NEW YORK—Roughly two hours into the network’s live nine-hour-long “Election Night In America” programming block, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper informed viewers Tuesday evening he is only moments away from delivering the first piece of genuinely significant information of the day. “Folks, you’ll want to stay with us,…