The Future—And I’m Talking, Like, 35,000 Years In The Future—Is Still Bright

Many Americans are upset right now. To millions, the outcome this past November seemed like a step backward for the United States, and people are understandably worried about where our nation might now be headed. But my fellow citizens, now is not the time to give in to pessimism or defeatism, because the future—and…

Republicans Vow Not To Repeal Obamacare Without Detailed Plan For Disposing Of Patients’ Disease-Ridden Corpses

WASHINGTON—In an effort to allay concerns over how the abrupt removal of Obamacare would impact millions covered by the legislation, House Republicans pledged Tuesday that they would not dismantle the healthcare law without first putting in place a detailed and comprehensive plan for disposing of patients’…

Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws Lit Firecracker Into Press Conference

WASHINGTON—Growing suddenly introspective as he flipped open his Whitesnake Zippo lighter in a West Wing hallway, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly came to the sad realization Monday that this could be the last time he tosses a lit firecracker into a White House press conference. “Aw shit, after today, I might never…

Frantic John Kerry Looks On As Teresa Slowly Lowered Into Kim Jong-Un’s Electric Eel Tank

PYONGYANG—Bursting into the North Korean dictator’s central control room to find his wife suspended from a rope 40 feet in the air, a frantic Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly looked on in horror Friday as Teresa Heinz was slowly lowered into Kim Jong-un’s electric eel tank. “Well, well, well, how nice of you…

Transition Team Assures Public Trump Has Too Many Conflicts Of Interest To Favor Any Specific One

WASHINGTON—Seeking to allay concerns about how the incoming commander-in-chief’s business ties would affect the way he governs, members of Donald Trump’s White House transition team assured the American public Friday that the president-elect has far too many conflicts of interest to favor any individual one. “The…

Trump Unveils Exclusive Double Platinum–Level Press Room For Only Select Few Journalists

NEW YORK—Describing the ornately decorated 3,000-square-foot space as “the height of luxury,” President-elect Donald Trump officially unveiled a new Double Platinum–Level White House press room Thursday, which he said will be made available to only a select few journalists. “Located mere steps from the West Wing, this…

Mike Pence Vows To Cut Conservation Funding After Discovering Elk Don’t Mate For Life

WASHINGTON—Promising swift action as soon as he takes office, Vice President–elect Mike Pence pledged Thursday to strip federal funding for conservation efforts shortly after learning that elk do not mate for life, sources confirmed. “One of this administration’s top priorities will be eliminating wasteful spending on…

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