Mike Pence Disappointed In The 200,000 Husbands And Fathers Who Permitted Women To Attend March

WASHINGTON—Admonishing those responsible for failing to uphold their moral duties, Vice President Mike Pence expressed disappointment Saturday in the 200,000 husbands and fathers who had allowed the women and girls in their charge to attend the Women’s March on Washington. “I can’t tell you how let down I feel by the…

‘I Promise To Work Tirelessly To Achieve My Campaign’s Goals,’ Threatens Trump In Terrifying Address

WASHINGTON—Leaving the nation in an uneasy state of dread as he spoke from the Capitol steps, incoming President Donald Trump reportedly delivered a disturbing inaugural address Friday in which he repeatedly threatened to work hard to implement his campaign promises. “Everything that I’ve stood for in this campaign,…

Trump Calms Nerves Before Inaugural Address By Reminding Himself He’s The Only Person Who Actually Exists

WASHINGTON—Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before making his way to the lectern, President Donald Trump reportedly calmed his nerves before his inaugural address Friday by reminding himself that he is the only person who actually exists. “Relax, Donald, you are the only person in the world; there is no one…

Tearful Biden Carefully Takes Down Blacklight Poster Of Topless Barbarian Chick From Office Wall

WASHINGTON—Sighing wistfully while recalling all the times the psychedelic artwork helped get his “rocks off,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly grew emotional Thursday as he carefully took down a blacklight poster of a topless barbarian chick from his office wall. “Man, you have no idea how many times staring up at…

Shackled Kerry Looks On As Chechen Terror Leader Removes Mask To Reveal Scarred Face Of Former Mentor

GROZNY, RUSSIA—Coming eye to eye with the mysterious guerrilla mastermind he had been hunting for the past several years, a shackled Secretary of State John Kerry looked on Thursday as a notorious and brutal Chechen terror leader removed his mask to reveal the scarred face of Kerry’s former mentor. “No, it can’t…