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Jake Hyland Of Kansas City, MO Chosen As Nation’s Designated Survivor In Case Rest Of Country Wiped Out During Presidential Address

WASHINGTON—As part of the standard contingency plan to ensure continuity of the American populace following a major catastrophe, sources confirmed that Jake Hyland of Kansas City, MO will serve as the nation’s designated survivor during President Donald Trump’s Tuesday evening address to Congress. “In the event that a…

Shy Ex-Citigroup Executive Struggling To Fit In With Popular Clique Of Ex–Goldman Sachs Executives At White House

WASHINGTON—Noting that the tight-knit group rarely associated with others, shy ex-Citigroup executive Harold Burke told reporters Friday that he has been struggling to fit in with the popular clique of ex–Goldman Sachs executives at the White House. “They’ve all known each other for years, and they have all kinds of…

Frustrated Russian Officials Struggling To Get Any Policies Through Dysfunctional Trump Administration

MOSCOW—Lamenting that internal disorganization was making it extremely difficult to get anything done, Russian officials voiced their frustration Thursday about continuing struggles to get policies through the dysfunctional Trump administration. “You’d think that after being in the White House for a month, they’d have…

FBI Panicking After Learning Encrypted National Security Communications May Have Been Intercepted By Trump Administration

WASHINGTON—Fearing the information had already fallen into the wrong hands, the FBI was panicking Tuesday after learning encrypted national security communications may have been intercepted by the Trump administration. “We are incredibly troubled to have learned that transmissions vital to homeland security could have…

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