Trump Says Wasteful NEA Hasn’t Produced Single Valuable Work Since Claes Oldenburg’s ‘Giant Three-Way Plug’

WASHINGTON—Defending his proposed elimination of the federally funded agency, President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that the wasteful National Endowment for the Arts hasn’t even produced a single valuable work since Claes Oldenburg’s Giant Three-Way Plug. “We have not seen one single NEA-backed project come…

Federal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly Schedule

SEATTLE—In an effort to ensure he would have enough time on his busy calendar to make future rulings, U.S. district judge James Robart penciled blocking President Trump’s unconstitutional executive orders into his monthly schedule, sources confirmed Thursday. “I honestly don’t have a choice but to set aside a few days…

Report: It Unclear Whether Opposition From Every Sector Of American Society Will Have Any Effect On Healthcare Bill Passing

WASHINGTON—As a growing number of interest groups, politicians, and media outlets continue to voice criticism of the proposed American Health Care Act, a report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found it was totally unclear if opposition to the bill from every last sector of American society would have any…

Excited White House Staffer Sends Parents ‘New York Times’ Article Quoting Her As Anonymous Source

WASHINGTON—Excitedly drafting an email after discovering she had been included in the article, White House deputy chief of staff Katie Walsh reportedly sent her parents a New York Times article Monday that quoted her as an anonymous source. “Check it out, I made it onto the Times homepage!” read Walsh’s email to her…

Mar-A-Lago Caddy Injures Shoulder Carrying Heavy Set Of Classified National Security Briefings Around Golf Course

PALM BEACH, FL—Having struggled to haul more than 30 pounds of highly classified documents for 18 holes, Mar-a-Lago caddy Simon Bauers reportedly injured his shoulder Sunday while carrying a set of President Donald Trump’s national security briefings around the resort’s golf course. “I definitely felt a sudden twinge…

Rodent Clearly Making Its Way Through Steve Bannon’s Body Throughout National Security Meeting

WASHINGTON—Noting that the White House chief strategist’s skin stretched and bulged as the animal scurried about, sources confirmed Tuesday that a rodent was clearly making its way through Steve Bannon’s body during a national security meeting. “You could see the outline of a rat or maybe a very large mouse scampering…

Russian Officials Scrambling As Plan To Delegitimize Western Democracy Moving Way Faster Than Intended

MOSCOW—Working frantically to readjust the schedule they had outlined back in June 2015, Russian officials admitted to reporters Thursday that they have been left scrambling after seeing their plan to delegitimize Western democracy move much faster than they had intended. “We originally had a two-to-four-year timeline…

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