Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media’s Questions About His Controversial Statements

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure their messaging is being communicated to the public in a clear and transparent manner, the White House Press Office announced Wednesday that Sean Spicer has been given his own press secretary to answer the media’s questions about his controversial statements. “The remarks from the…

Trump Assures Nation That Decision For Syrian Airstrikes Came After Carefully Considering All His Passing Whims

WASHINGTON—Amid concerns that a U.S. attack on a Syrian government air base would only escalate the ongoing conflict in the region, President Trump assured Americans Friday that his decision to order a missile strike came only after carefully considering every one of his passing whims. “I want to make it perfectly…

Mar-A-Lago Assistant Manager Wondering If Anyone Coming To Collect Nuclear Briefcase From Lost And Found

PALM BEACH, FL—Noting that it had already been there for almost two weeks, Mar-a-Lago assistant manager Chris Mahoney reportedly wondered Monday if anyone was coming to collect the nuclear briefcase from the club’s lost-and-found. “Someone noticed it in the dining room and dropped it off, and it’s just been sitting at…

FBI Calls For Increased Surveillance Powers To Keep Pace With Evolving Threat Of Presidential Administrations

WASHINGTON—Saying the issue was an urgent matter of national security, FBI director James Comey said at a press conference Tuesday that the agency required increased surveillance powers in order to keep pace with the continually evolving threat of presidential administrations. “Even with the vast tools we currently…

‘Could’ve Been Me,’ Grumbles Merrick Garland Watching Gorsuch Hearings At Bar With Fellow Highway Maintenance Workers

HOWARD, MD—Shaking his head and sighing as he viewed the televised proceedings, Merrick Garland reportedly grumbled “Could’ve been me” while watching Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch’s Senate hearing Monday at a local bar with his fellow highway maintenance workers. “I’m supposed to be sitting up there before the…

Aides Wrestle Drill From Trump’s Hands As He Tries To Remove Obama Listening Device From Skull

WASHINGTON—Rushing toward the president as he pressed the eight-inch bit into his temple, several White House aides managed to wrestle a drill from Donald Trump’s hand Monday while he attempted to remove Obama’s listening device from his skull. “Obama implanted a microphone inside my head to record everything I say!”…