Eric Trump Leaves Plate Of Seared Foie Gras Outside Bedroom Door Of Despondent Donald Trump Jr.

WASHINGTON—After gently knocking on his brother’s door and insisting he really should eat something, Eric Trump left a plate of seared foie gras outside a despondent Donald Trump Jr.’s bedroom door, sources said Wednesday. “Hey, Donny, you sure you don’t want a little supper?” said Trump, telling his brother that he…

Secretary Of Interior Announces $400 Million Initiative To Preserve Self For Future Generations To Enjoy

WASHINGTON—In an effort to safeguard the treasured official against further weathering, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke announced a $400 million initiative Tuesday to preserve himself for future generations to enjoy. “This measure is a crucial step toward ensuring that our children and our children’s children are…

Sessions Drops Pile Of Weapons In Prison Yard Before Ordering Inmates To Reduce Overcrowding By 30%

ATMORE, AL—Telling the prison’s roughly 1,000 men that “today’s your lucky day,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly dropped a pile of weapons in Holman Correctional Facility’s main yard Wednesday before ordering inmates to reduce overcrowding by 30 percent. “Here’s the situation—we only got room for 700, so all…