Senator Moved To Tears After Reading Constituent’s Heartfelt Check

WASHINGTON—Overcome by the touching contribution, Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) was reportedly moved to tears Friday after reading a constituent’s heartfelt check. “It’s hard not to get choked up when someone takes the time to actually pick up a pen and write out such a sincere contribution by hand,” said Blunt, adding…

Eric Trump Leaves Plate Of Seared Foie Gras Outside Bedroom Door Of Despondent Donald Trump Jr.

WASHINGTON—After gently knocking on his brother’s door and insisting he really should eat something, Eric Trump left a plate of seared foie gras outside a despondent Donald Trump Jr.’s bedroom door, sources said Wednesday. “Hey, Donny, you sure you don’t want a little supper?” said Trump, telling his brother that he…

Secretary Of Interior Announces $400 Million Initiative To Preserve Self For Future Generations To Enjoy

WASHINGTON—In an effort to safeguard the treasured official against further weathering, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke announced a $400 million initiative Tuesday to preserve himself for future generations to enjoy. “This measure is a crucial step toward ensuring that our children and our children’s children are…

Robed Mark Warner Infiltrates Secret Torchlit AHCA Ceremony Deep In Woods Behind Capitol

WASHINGTON—Staring in horror at the profane legislative ritual taking place around him, a robed Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA) reportedly infiltrated congressional Republicans’ secret, torchlit American Health Care Act ceremony deep in the woods behind the U.S. Capitol late Tuesday night. “I heard this eerie chanting as I…

Sessions Drops Pile Of Weapons In Prison Yard Before Ordering Inmates To Reduce Overcrowding By 30%

ATMORE, AL—Telling the prison’s roughly 1,000 men that “today’s your lucky day,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly dropped a pile of weapons in Holman Correctional Facility’s main yard Wednesday before ordering inmates to reduce overcrowding by 30 percent. “Here’s the situation—we only got room for 700, so all…

Panicking Mitch McConnell Shoves Entire Senate Healthcare Bill Into Mouth As Democrat Walks Past

WASHINGTON—Quickly crumpling up all 500 pages of the legislation upon hearing footsteps in the hallway, sources reported Tuesday that a panicked Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell shoved the entire Senate healthcare bill in his mouth as a Democratic senator walked past. According to witnesses, McConnell became…

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