Hillary Clinton Opens New Presidential Library Charting Course Of Purely Theoretical Tenure As Commander In Chief

PARK RIDGE, IL—At a ribbon-cutting ceremony held Tuesday on the steps of the recently completed 200,000-square-foot facility, Hillary Clinton opened a new presidential library and museum that commemorates the presidency she might have had if elected. “Visitors to the Hillary Rodham Clinton Presidential Center can…

John Kelly Roots Out Remaining Priebus Sympathizers Hiding In Tunnels Throughout White House

WASHINGTON—Systematically eliminating any resistance to his new position as the president’s chief of staff, John Kelly moved through the White House on Friday rooting out any remaining Reince Priebus sympathizers hiding in tunnels throughout the residence. “I’ve gotta stamp them all out, every last one,” said Kelly, a…

Experts Warn Repeated Attempts At Eradicating Obamacare May Have Created Ultra-Resistant Super Law

WASHINGTON—After persistent efforts by Republicans to wipe out the healthcare law over the past seven years, experts warned Wednesday that the repeated attempts at eradicating Obamacare may have created an ultra-resistant super law. “Given the frequency with which lawmakers have unsuccessfully tried to exterminate the…

‘So Fuckin’ Sorry To Hear About This Shit,’ Reads Outpouring Of Sympathetic Texts From Scaramucci’s Friends, Family

WASHINGTON—Following his abrupt dismissal just 10 days after being named White House communications director, Anthony Scaramucci reportedly received an outpouring of sympathetic texts Monday from friends and family expressing that they were “so fuckin’ sorry to hear about this shit.” “My deepest motherfuckin’…