‘There’s Nothing To It,’ Secret Service Agent Assures Mar-A-Lago Bellhop Assigned Rooftop Sniper Duty

PALM BEACH, FL—Explaining that the job was far less complicated than it appeared, a Secret Service agent assured a Mar-A-Lago bellhop Monday that there was “nothing at all” to rooftop sniper duty. “So you hold the gun like this, look through this scope right here, and just pull this trigger when you want to…

‘My Work Here Is Done,’ Smiles Contented Bannon Before Bursting Into Millions Of Spores

WASHINGTON—His skin already starting to bubble, newly dismissed White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon reportedly smiled and said “My work here is done” on Friday before bursting into millions of spores. “Now that I’ve accomplished everything I set out to do, it’s time for me to go,” said a contented Bannon moments…

Aides Say Bannon Was Not On The Record When He Issued Deafening, Atonal Howl That Caused Journalist’s Skull To Explode

WASHINGTON—Saying that the huge breach of trust clearly violated journalistic ethics, White House aides confirmed Thursday that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was not on the record when he issued the deafening, atonal howl that caused a reporter’s head to explode. “Mr. Bannon’s unbroken three-hour shriek was given in…

Disgusted Robert Mueller Eats 2 20-Piece Chicken McNugget Meals In One Sitting In Attempt To Get Into Trump’s Mind

WASHINGTON—Fighting the urge to vomit as he gorged on the deep-fried, processed meat, disgusted special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly ate two McDonald’s 20-piece Chicken McNugget meals in one sitting on Tuesday in an attempt to get into President Trump’s mind. “To understand him, I must become him,” said Mueller,…