Aides Clip Toenails, Wash Hair Of Mumbling, Bedsore-Ridden Trump As President Enters 155th Straight Hour Of Watching Cable News

WASHINGTON—Carefully maneuvering to avoid blocking his view of the television, White House aides were reportedly called upon Tuesday to clip the toenails and wash the hair of the bedsore-ridden, incoherently mumbling President Trump as he entered his 155th straight hour of watching cable news. “It’s important to…

Trump Fulfills Campaign Promise Of Pushing Major Immigration Decision On Someone Else So He Can Watch TV

WASHINGTON—With the announcement by Attorney General Jeff Sessions that the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program would begin winding down in the next six months, President Donald Trump reportedly fulfilled his long-standing campaign promise Tuesday of finally pushing major immigration decisions onto someone…

Report: Country That Might Shut Down Because President Wants Big Wall Somehow Considered Best In The World

WASHINGTON—A new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center has found that the country that might completely shut down because the president wants a big wall is somehow considered the best in the world. The study determined that the 241-year-old federal republic, whose entire government may soon cease to…

Trump Boys Gather Rations Of Comic Books, Candy Bars For Night Hiding From Special Prosecutors In Makeshift Rose Garden Fort

WASHINGTON—Saying they could “live out here in the wild for months” if they had to, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly spent Wednesday rounding up supplies of comic books and candy bars as they prepared to hide out that night from special prosecutors in their makeshift White House Rose Garden fort.

Ivanka, Donald Jr., Eric Trump Removed From White House After Mother Wins 25-Year Custody Battle

WASHINGTON—Bringing a conclusion to decades of contentious court proceedings, Donald Jr., Ivanka, and Eric Trump were reportedly removed from the White House on Thursday after their mother, Ivana Trump, won her 25-year custody fight for the children. “We’re happy with the judge’s ruling that Ivanka, Don, and Eric’s…

Trump Struck By Beautiful Vision Of What America Could Be While Looking Out Over Seething, Screaming Arizona Crowd

PHOENIX—Visibly moved by the outpouring of rancor before of him, President Trump was reportedly struck by the beautiful vision of what America could be while looking out over a seething, screaming Arizona rally on Tuesday. “As I gaze upon the snarls on your red faces today, I’m filled with hope at what astonishing…

Trump: ‘We Will Fight In Afghanistan Until Victorious, Or I Change My Mind, Get Distracted, Look Bad, Or Get Bored’

FORT MYER, VA—Calling the war in Afghanistan the nation’s highest priority until he decides at some point that it is actually trade with China or illegal border crossings, President Trump declared in a televised address Monday that the U.S. was committed to fighting insurgents in the region until an unconditional…

Advertisement