Nabisco Baffled After Trump Administration Gives It $200 Million Contract To Rebuild Puerto Rico’s Roads

EAST HANOVER, NJ—Utterly perplexed as to how they were chosen for the massive project, Nabisco executives reportedly were baffled Thursday after the Trump administration gave it a $200 million contract to rebuild Puerto Rico’s roads. “Although we are honored the president has awarded us this generous contract to help…

Scott Pruitt Nervously Picks Up Walking Pace As Hundreds Of Whooping Cranes Begin Silently Perching Around Him

WASHINGTON—Realizing with a shudder that he was being watched, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly picked up his pace while walking home Tuesday as hundreds of whooping cranes began silently perching around him. “Stay calm, Scott, they’re just birds,” said Pruitt, fumbling for his…

‘What Were We Talking About Again?’ Says Trump 15 Seconds Into Phone Call To Family Of Fallen Soldier

WASHINGTON—Fumbling over his words before meandering into an anecdote about his newest golf course, sources confirmed Thursday that President Donald Trump asked the mother of a fallen soldier to remind him what they were talking about 15 seconds into their phone conversation. “So, uh, wait—what was I just saying?” the…

Aides Concerned Trump’s Mental Health Declining After President Admits He May Not Be Omnipotent Living God

WASHINGTON—Alarmed by the sudden change in his thinking and behavior, White House aides said Tuesday that they were concerned about President Trump’s declining mental health after he admitted he may not be an omnipotent living god. “The president has always been completely clearheaded about his status as the supreme…

Supreme Court Justices Gather In Chambers To Receive Latest Mission From Large Talking Head Of Justice John Marshall

WASHINGTON—Springing into action the moment their SCOTUS wristwatch transponders signaled the alert, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered in their top-secret subterranean chambers Friday to receive their latest directive from the giant holographic head of former Chief Justice John Marshall.