Man’s Eyes Glaze Over Whenever Politician Starts Threatening To Plunge Him Into Serf-Like Subjugation

LANCASTER, PA—Saying it was a struggle to keep them open at all amidst all the tedium, local man Eric Meehan told reporters Thursday that his eyes always glaze over whenever a politician starts threatening to plunge him into serf-like subjugation. “God, every time they start talking about this boring stuff, I just…

Hooded Members Of Congress Drown Another Love Child In Potomac To Prevent Affair From Getting Out

WASHINGTON—After solemnly chanting the Latin funereal hymn “Dies Irae” in unison, hooded members of Congress on Wednesday reportedly drowned another love child in the Potomac River to prevent an affair from getting out. “So that this bastard child is never again blessed with the light of another morning, we now commit…

‘The Onion’ Has Obtained Exclusive Information From Jaime Phillips About Roy Moore’s Sexual Indiscretions

In the troubled, politically charged times in which our country finds itself, The Onion takes great pride in being the sole beacon of truth and integrity in journalism. No matter how explosive the revelations brought to light by our sources, no matter how their publication may upset the established order, this storied…

Tearful Trump Puts Down Ladle, Walks Out Of Soup Kitchen After Learning Charitable Foundation Shutting Down

WASHINGTON—Feeling devastated by the thought that he could no longer provide assistance to millions of disadvantaged Americans, a tearful President Trump reportedly put down his ladle Tuesday and walked out of a soup kitchen after learning that the Donald J. Trump Foundation was shutting down. “There was so much I…

Congressman Checks In Real Quick With Ethics Office To Make Sure Pressing Exposed Penis Against Intern Doesn’t Constitute Sexual Harassment

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging in advance that it was probably a silly question, Virginia congressman John Whitlock reportedly checked in real quick Friday with the Office of Congressional Ethics to make sure pressing his exposed penis against an intern doesn’t constitute sexual harassment. “Sorry if it’s the most obvious…

Paul Ryan Announces New Congress Sexual Harassment Training Will Create Safe Work Atmosphere, Plausible Deniability

WASHINGTON—Following testimony by female lawmakers alleging widespread sexual misconduct throughout Capitol Hill, Paul Ryan announced Thursday that Congress will undergo new sexual harassment training to create a safe work environment and plausible deniability. “This comprehensive three-hour course is designed to…

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