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8/22/19
2:06 PM

SEQUIM, WA—In a speech delivered to supporters addressing the end of his presidential campaign, Washington Governor Jay Inslee announced Thursday that there was “no need to worry,” because he would always be here to fight climate change before ethereally transforming into a majestic oak. “Although today marks the

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8/8/19
3:29 PM

EL PASO, TX—Expressing sincere condolences for the tornado or whatever it was, President Donald Trump consoled an El Paso shooting victim Thursday while wolfing down a bowl of chili. “It’s really terrible what that hurricane or whatever did to your house,” said Trump, who quickly polished off the chili by lifting up

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