WASHINGTON—Explaining that the lawmakers had really begun to slow down over the last few years, the aging United States Congress announced Thursday that they would move into a more manageable single-story ranch Capitol. “We don’t do too much nowadays anyway, so it’ll be easier to have a smaller place—plus, all those stairs out front were really messing with our knees,” said all 535 combined members of the House of Representatives and Senate, noting that the move was “bittersweet” after 200 years in the historic First Street Capitol, but that the ranch structure was ultimately a safer and more comfortable choice for all. “We don’t even move around as much as we once did, so we don’t need all that space with the big fancy dome and everything. Now everything we need is on the first floor. It’s just more comfortable, especially for those of us who are starting to get confused easily.” Congress disclosed that the ultimate catalyst for the move came when Joe Manchin (D-WV) fell down in the previous Capitol’s bathroom and was trapped there helpless for nine hours.
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