Illustration for article titled Aides Clip Toenails, Wash Hair Of Mumbling, Bedsore-Ridden Trump As President Enters 155th Straight Hour Of Watching Cable News

WASHINGTON—Carefully maneuvering to avoid blocking his view of the television, White House aides were reportedly called upon Tuesday to clip the toenails and wash the hair of the bedsore-ridden, incoherently mumbling President Trump as he entered his 155th straight hour of watching cable news. “It’s important to reposition the president every couple of hours because it keeps his blood circulating and prevents his sores from getting infected,” said White House aide Ryan Powers, one of the many staffers tending to the president during the past week of uninterrupted television viewing, performing tasks such as emptying his bedpan, sponging his clammy skin, and gently dabbing the drool off his face. “We have to make sure someone’s here at all times to change channels during commercials. Otherwise, he starts shrieking, and then it’s pretty much impossible to calm him down. But he’s generally pretty comfortable and has a call button for requesting another bowl of Fruit Loops whenever he wants them, which is a lot.” At press time, frantic aides were rushing to soothe the president, who had accidentally rolled onto the remote, shut off the television, and had to spend a full 10 seconds in a quiet room with his own thoughts.

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