‘Let’s Pick Out A Couple, Buddy,’ Says Kelly

WASHINGTON—Doing their best to keep him from getting upset before embarking on his 12-day diplomatic tour through Asia, sources confirmed Friday that White House aides were gently explaining to President Trump that he couldn’t bring all of his gold lion statues on the airplane. “The pilot says Air Force One has a bit of a weight restriction, so let’s just pick out one or two, buddy,” said Chief of Staff John Kelly, who had reportedly spent much of the morning patiently telling the commander in chief that there was no room for the seven full-scale lions he had brought down from his bedroom, not to mention the emerald-encrusted serpent and obsidian jaguar. “How about you just take your best friends Leo and King? And once we get there, I bet they’ll have a fun marble dragon you can play with. Wow! How cool does that sound?” At press time, White House staffers were forced to make changes to the president’s itinerary as they struggled in vain to pry his fingers from the bronze elephant he had smuggled onto the tarmac.

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