Illustration for article titled Aides Request John Bolton Please Stop Setting Fire To Middle East Tactical Map

WASHINGTON—Saying his outbursts have hindered their ability to hold constructive military strategy sessions, top Pentagon aides have repeatedly asked National Security Advisor John Bolton to stop setting fire to their Middle East tactical map, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We keep trying to lay out troop deployment options for Mr. Bolton, but it’s difficult when he just barges in, pours lighter fluid all over the map, and flicks a lit match on top,” said Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan, who acknowledged this was hardly the first time Bolton had destroyed a tabletop display of the region while screaming, “Burn, motherfuckers, burn!” “He’s the one who requested a more robust military plan, but it’s hard to brief him when you’re looking at a bunch of melted blotches and you can’t tell what’s Syria and what’s Iran. He even burned up the components on the map representing our own troops. Honestly, it’s hard enough getting through meetings with a guy who stops up his ears and screams anytime the word ‘Iraq’ is mentioned.” At press time, President Trump had reportedly viewed the remnants of the map and signed off on Bolton’s plan.


Share This Story

Get our newsletter