MIRAMAR, FL—Gazing intently at the elaborate grid of Democratic presidential candidates adorning his basement wall, Wayne Messam reportedly murmured, “And then there were twenty-three,” Friday after drawing a line through a photo of his rival John Hickenlooper. “Another foe vanquished, and another step taken toward Messam’s glorious ascent,” said the former mayor and 2020 contender, tacking up his own photo above the former Colorado governor’s. “My plan is continuing apace. First Swalwell, now you, and soon all these fools who stand before me will begin dropping like flies, and then the era of Messam will be nigh.” At press time, a grinning Messam was reportedly tracing his finger over a photo of Tim Ryan and whispering, “Tick-tock, my sweet Timmy, your time will come soon enough.” 

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