ALEXANDRIA, VA—In an effort to showcase the former Trump campaign manager’s most positive attributes, Angolan war criminal Abilio Macanga was called to act as a character witness Friday in the Paul Manafort fraud trial. “Paul is a savvy businessman, an upstanding member of his community, and, above all else, one of my closest friends,” said Macanga, a warlord personally responsible for the brutal slaughter of thousands of innocent women and children during the Angolan Civil War. “When I was down on my luck during a particularly difficult diamond smuggling operation, Paul stood by me. And when I was almost assassinated in a coup by my own soldiers, Paul lent me the money to pay the mercenary I used to hunt down and murder the families of those who betrayed me. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for that defendant right there, Paul Manafort.” At press time, Manafort’s defense called up their next witness, a trembling former intern who insisted his boss was a great guy who never once threatened to break his fucking legs so bad he’d be walking sideways the rest of his life.

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