Babbling, Grinning Mitch McConnell Demands EMTs Loading Him On Stretcher Vote Yes On Healthcare Bill

WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill. “Obamacare is collapsing under its own weight, and the American people have suffered enough under its tyranny—we must take action!” shouted McConnell, launching into a speech he had reportedly planned to make on the Senate floor but was now delivering to the two medical technicians strapping his arms to a gurney and preparing to administer an IV. “The time is now to repeal the Affordable Care Act and replace it with a plan that will cost less and restore freedom to the states! We cannot delay any longer! We cannot delay!” At press time, McConnell’s motion for a roll call vote was muffled by the oxygen mask being placed over his mouth.

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