Illustration for article titled Baby-Faced, Muscular Jimmy Carter Tells Democratic Convention The Future Of Medicine Is Bright

PHILADELPHIA—Striding energetically onto the stage in shorts and a taut tank top, a baby-faced, muscle-bound Jimmy Carter, 91, reportedly told attendees at the Democratic National Convention Thursday that the future of medicine is exceedingly bright. “The medical advances we’ve made in recent years are astounding, and I’m thrilled to say that the decades to come will only bring greater breakthroughs,” said the brawny, youthful-looking 39th president of the United States, punctuating his statement that medical technology is poised to reach greater and greater heights by raising his arms into the air and showing off his bulging 25-inch biceps. “And for this reason, I believe it’s imperative we elect someone like Hillary Clinton who will continue to invest in cutting-edge medical research, so that all Americans have the opportunity to live long, happy, and healthy lives.” Sources confirmed the chiseled nonagenarian then concluded his speech by making his sinewy pectoral muscles alternatingly bounce up and down for several minutes.

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