HUNTSVILLE, AL—Scanning his mind for any minority groups he could have demonized more forcefully, Alabama Senate candidate and secret Democratic operative Roy Moore admitted Tuesday that he wasn’t sure what else he could have done to destroy the Republican Party’s reputation. “When Nancy [Pelosi] sent me here, I was convinced that revealing myself as a pedophile would be more than enough, but now I’m just at a loss,” said Moore, who admitted he thought DNC chair Tom Perez was going over the top by suggesting he say gay marriage had made the U.S. the source of all evil, but that didn’t even budge the polls. “I mean, I stood on a stage and wistfully recalled the era in which slavery existed in this country. What else am I supposed to do? I’ve been really digging deep to vilify the GOP and make myself unelectable, but I still might win.” At press time, Moore was kicking himself for not sabotaging himself more egregiously by claiming he supported a ban on assault weapons.

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