RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In an effort to be completely transparent about his business deals, a bearded, keffiyeh-clad Jared Kushner announced Friday that he would avoid conflicts of interest by joining the Saudi royal family. “The American people deserve to know exactly where I stand in regards to financial interests, so to be completely open and transparent, I will become a member of the House of Saud,” said Kushner, who will henceforth be known as Prince Jared bin Charles. “In addition to renouncing my citizenship, I have decided to sell all of my U.S. properties, divorce my wife, and marry the eldest daughter of Prince Faisal bin Salman. Furthermore, I have made a $2.5-million donation to the country’s most selective Wahhabist school to ensure the acceptance of my heirs. Through all of this, I have been and will remain a senior advisor to President Trump.” At press time, bin Charles reportedly drove off in a gold-plated 2019 Lamborghini Aventador.


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