GOFFSTOWN, NH—Saying he would not accept anything offered by the nation’s corporate elite, presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders reportedly refused to use the podium provided by ABC for Saturday’s Democratic primary debate in favor of his own modest, homemade lectern. “No, no—I don’t need some flashy, expensive podium when I can make one myself,” said the Vermont senator, waving off ABC producers as he dragged on stage his own crudely built lectern, cobbled together from several old two-by-fours and some reclaimed plywood from behind his garage. “Like millions of working-class Americans who can’t afford fancy luxuries, I made do with what I had. I won’t take a single thing from any moneyed interests who are just looking to buy influence, be it with campaign donations or shiny, illuminated podiums. That’s not what my campaign is about.” At press time, Sanders had reportedly electrocuted himself while attempting to wire a handmade microphone onto his podium.

Advertisement