WESTERVILLE, OH—Revealing that his heart attack left him worried that he’s spent too much time obsessed with things that do not matter, Bernie Sanders renounced his past call for economic equality during Tuesday night’s debate after his brush with death taught him that money is not everything. “I’ve spent 50 years worrying about money, but now I realize that fair wages and housing are not really important—it’s people and relationships, it’s living in this moment right now,” said Sanders, who admitted that recovering from his surgery provided an opportunity to think about how true wealth and power does not come from money; it comes from having a devoted family. “I encourage my supporters to forget about all that nonsense about income inequality. I was all ‘jobs, jobs, jobs.’ Why was I so obsessed with work and material wellbeing? I wanted a wealth tax, but you can’t put a dollar value on a sunset. Money for college won’t buy you a baby’s smile. I’ve wasted my life fighting for a massive transfer of wealth, so now I’m fighting for a massive transfer of love.” At press time, Sanders had walked over to hug a stunned Beto O’Rourke and told him he loves him.
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