Bernie Sanders Unveils Plan To Tackle Income Inequality With Art Heist From Billionaire’s Home

LAS VEGAS—Championing his new policy proposal as a way to reduce the gap between the working class and the 1%, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders unveiled a comprehensive plan Tuesday to tackle income inequality with an art heist from a billionaire’s home. “We should not be living in a country where all the wealth is concentrated in a few very rich people, which is why my new plan to remove artworks from an ultrawealthy estate in the dead of night and sell them through third parties will redistribute hundreds of millions of dollars’ worth of Pollocks, de Koonings, and Rothkos to the hardworking American people,” said Sanders of the detailed 85-page plan outlining his system to lift expensive paintings, sculptures, jewels, and other artworks from billionaires’ private collections in their homes in the Hamptons, Upper East Side, and Palo Alto. “Million-dollar impressionist paintings and modernist sculptures should be a public good, not kept locked up in some CEO’s mansion. Using a progressive seizure rate that takes the most art from the wealthiest individuals, my plan will go a long way toward shrinking the gap between the haves and have-nots in this country. It describes in great detail how I will put the suction cups on my hands and climb to the window, then use one of those circular cutters to remove a pane of glass from the ceiling in order to place my grappling hook to rappel down. My plan also calls for building a diverse working-class coalition of Americans to put on cable-repairman clothes, gain entry to the house, disable the alarm system to access complicated private safes in under 30 seconds, and then wait outside in a requisitioned UPS delivery truck for a quick escape. Under my proposal, we’ll be able to offload the stolen Monets, Picassos, and Warhols to pay for free college for all Americans.” At press time, the media was criticizing Sanders’ proposal by questioning how the candidate intended to pay for all the black ski masks, razor blades for cutting paintings out of their frames, and getaway vans described in his plan.

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