Biden Campaign Concerned After Candidate Gives Unsolicited Back Rub To Coat Rack

DES MOINES, IA—As concerns mount over the viability of the gaffe-prone candidate, sources confirmed Wednesday that the campaign of former Vice President Joe Biden is increasingly worried following an incident in which the Democratic front-runner reportedly gave an unsolicited back rub to a coat rack. “He gave the rack a little squeeze, whispered that it felt awfully stiff, and started pressing his thumbs into it,” said deputy campaign manager Kate Bedingfield in a meeting with top staffers, lamenting that a member of the press had taken a photo of Biden massaging the standalone coat rack. “Thank God no one was close enough to hear him compliment the coat rack on its tall, thin frame and beautiful chocolate brown skin, or joke about how he sure wouldn’t mind being 30 years younger. We’ll have to put out a statement saying he was just admiring the craftsmanship, like we did in New Hampshire after he nuzzled up against that stage curtain.” At press time, the nation’s top political pundits continued to report that Biden remained the only candidate with a chance of beating President Trump in 2020.

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