WASHINGTON—Saying he needed to turn his life around before “ending up in deep shit,” outgoing Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly hatching plans Friday to go completely legit now that his term in office has concluded.
Biden, who longtime aides confirmed had made numerous phone calls inquiring about good, honest minimum-wage jobs, vowed to cease taking part in a variety of scams and petty crimes and move far away from the nation’s capital, where he believed he could finally make something of himself and become a productive member of society.
“I’ve lived like there’s no tomorrow for fuck knows how many years now, but mark my words, sooner or later, if I don’t straighten out, some hardass will be throwing Uncle Joe in the joint or a pine overcoat,” said the vice president, who expressed a deep sense of regret that his back-alley street dice game, his “plum” fencing racket, and his bootleg merchandise operation had caused so much pain for loved ones. “Everybody knows trouble fits me like a pair of tight cutoffs that only cover half your ass cheeks. I’ve done plenty of things I’m not proud of, and a whole lot more that I sure as hell can’t remember. Got nothing to show for it except a few scars, a bitchin’ spoiler on the Zam, and a rap sheet longer than my dong.”
“From now on, I gotta keep a low profile and steer clear of Johnny Law,” continued Biden. “It’s time for Ol’ Joe to play it straight.”
The vice president reportedly took a long drag from a cigarette and slowly exhaled through his nostrils while describing the shady deals and criminal offenses that ultimately led to his sudden desire to “get [his] ass in gear” and “ditch this dump of a city once and for all.” Biden told reporters he had grown sick of the all-night parties, sleeping in past noon every day, and keeping his head on a swivel for rival “bud peddlers,” hired guns, and any number of “batshit crazy” members of Congress he had “gotten into dustups with” during his six terms in the Senate.
In addition, White House officials confirmed that Biden had repeatedly asked outgoing President Obama in recent weeks to pull a few strings to enroll the 74-year-old in the Federal Witness Protection Program.
“I’ve been on the horn hitting up Barry to do me a real solid and help old Joey Scranton out of this jam,” said Biden, adding that a fresh start in a faraway place with a new identity would be the easiest way for him to leave “the game” and keep him out of county lockup. “Lately, all my ‘sure things’ have been pretty iffy, so I don’t give a rip where I set up shop. I just need to cut out and stop rubbing elbows with a bunch of good-for-nothing dirtbags like the Gooch, T-Bone, and Pelosi, who will sell you out in zero seconds flat as soon as the fuzz start sniffing around.”
“I can hang my hat anywhere and keep myself squeaky clean as long as I’ve got some green coming in and Blaze at my side,” the vice president added. “I also asked Barry to do right by Jill and hawk a pound of the dank yerba I stashed up in the fireplace in the Oval Office so she has a sweet nest egg. Might not make it back to these parts, so I told him to say so long to Jilly for me, since I’m not into big send-offs.”
The vice president informed reporters he was ready to settle down and find a profession that was on the level, noting that he would be “sitting pretty” as long as he landed a job that brought in $12,000 a year, and mentioning he would gladly accept a “real cushy” position washing dishes at a restaurant, fetching shopping carts at a supermarket, or selling car parts at a reputable chop shop.
Biden added he was also “keeping an ear to the ground” for any roadie gigs “hauling amps” for Foghat.
“I’m too damn old to be living outside the law anymore—you can’t keep pissing into the wind forever,” Biden said. “I just want to be a totally upright citizen who busts his hump for the man all day, punches the clock, and then heads home to pull bongs until dawn. Just like everybody else.”
At press time, sources confirmed Biden heard the sound of distant sirens, stated “I gotta tear ass out of this rathole town,” and scrambled out a second-story window.