WASHINGTON—In a bid to secure support for his nomination as the Democratic Party’s candidate for president, Joe Biden reportedly pledged Sunday to select a woman as vice president since the position doesn’t entail much anyway. “I promise that my vice president will be a woman, since pretty much anyone can do this job, so I figure, hey, might as well pick a lady,” said Biden, adding that he knew from experience in his eight years as U.S. vice president that the position was essentially ceremonial and required no real work, so he had no reservations about handing it to a woman. “You basically just sit on your can all day and maybe show up at a meeting every month or two, so if a woman wants to do that, be my guest. I could see myself selecting [Senator] Amy Klobuchar, [former Georgia State Rep.] Stacey Abrams, or any one of the tens of millions of women perfectly capable of pulling off this no-show gig. I don’t really care what her politics are, and anyway it hardly matters. This works out well, actually, since I can stick a lady in the VP spot and don’t have to put one in an important role on the cabinet.” At press time, Biden was being praised by members of the media and his own party for his commitment to symbolic representation in an office that most people forget about half the time.
More from The Onion