Illustration for article titled Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws Lit Firecracker Into Press Conference

WASHINGTON—Growing suddenly introspective as he flipped open his Whitesnake Zippo lighter in a West Wing hallway, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly came to the sad realization Monday that this could be the last time he tosses a lit firecracker into a White House press conference. “Aw shit, after today, I might never get another shot to whip an M80 into the Press Briefing Room again—end of an era, man, end of a goddamn era,” said Biden, who smiled wistfully while recalling all the “kickass” times he launched a handful of bottle rockets at the audience of unsuspecting “ink slingers.” “Back in the Senate, Orrin Hatch used to get his panties in a knot when I chucked a fat little cherry bomb under his seat. I shit you not, that fucker pissed himself more times than I could count. Don’t get me wrong, though, Ol’ Joe’s gonna keep on flinging bangers into crowds after I blow this joint, but hell, it’ll never be the same as this.” At press time, Biden was reportedly tying together the fuses of several firecrackers to give the press corps “something they’ll never fucking forget.”

Share This Story

Get our newsletter