WASHINGTON—Urging staffers to keep their eyes peeled for a “scaly little fucker without any legs,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly searched the White House one last time Wednesday for his missing 12-year-old pet coral snake, Fruit Loop. “Look, I just found a discarded skin on a chair in the Roosevelt Room, so I know he’s still slithering around here someplace,” said Biden, who sources confirmed rummaged through the drawers of the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and crawled around on his hands and knees peering underneath furniture for the 3-foot-long snake. “Fruit Loop can’t be far—he usually hauls ass straight for the East Wing whenever he flies the coop. If you hear something weird going on in the pipes, just get me on the horn and I’ll come lickety-split with a pole to snatch him. I can’t fuck up again—I’m already on thin ice after he mixed it up with Bo during the 2014 Easter Egg Roll.” At press time, Biden was dangling a dead mouse near the White House kitchen’s oven and calling the snake’s name.

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