Bloated Obama Delivers Press Conference From Couch Behind Podium

WASHINGTON—Taking slow, labored breaths while clutching his distended abdomen, a bloated President Obama delivered a press conference Wednesday while seated on a couch several feet behind the podium in the White House briefing room. “Good afternoon, everybody—ugh, Jesus, gimme a sec,” said a wincing, perspiring Obama before emitting several low groans. “Oh, man. Whoa. Okay, I’ll take some questions now—hang on, hang on. Jesus, I feel like I’m gonna pop.” At press time, Obama had concluded the briefing by slowly rolling over on the cushions and burying his face in a pillow.

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