Illustration for article titled Bloodied, Bruised John Kerry Emerges Victorious At Kickboxing Tournament In Bangkok Prison

BANGKOK—Spitting out a broken tooth as his opponent lay motionless on the bare cement floor, a battered Secretary of State John Kerry emerged victorious Wednesday evening from an underground kickboxing tournament at Bangkok’s notorious Bang Kwang Central Prison, sources reported. “Any other takers?” said the sweat-drenched U.S. cabinet official in perfectly accented Thai, unwrapping the blood-soaked cloths from his hands and feet as spectators showered him in crumpled 20-, 50-, and 100-baht bills. “I certainly hope there’s someone else out there who’s better at muay thai than that last fellow. I was under the impression they took their kickboxing seriously in these parts.” When no one else stepped forward to square off against him, Kerry departed, and was reportedly seen socializing at a black-tie diplomatic gala at the American embassy 90 minutes later.


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