NEW YORK—Standing behind podiums scattered around the living room, Mike Bloomberg’s housekeepers braced for another day of dressing up like DNC candidates and letting their boss beat them in a debate, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m supposed to be polishing the silver today, but instead I have to wear a stupid white wig and let Mr. Bloomberg attack the feasibility of my Medicare-for-all plan,” said maid Flora Bishop, who feared the 15-person housekeeping staff would be unable to complete their daily cleaning tasks as their boss forced them to restart the debate yet again after fumbling a question about prison reform. “We basically just stand around and let him tear our policies apart until he feels like he’s won. Usually, I’ll just say something about how all my ideas are bad compared to his so I can get back to the laundry. I feel terrible for the landscaper who played Buttigieg last time. Mr. Bloomberg fired him after he made a really good point about trying to buy the election.” At press time, the housekeepers were frantically motioning for the chauffeur, who was acting as moderator, to stop pressing their boss on stop-and-frisk policing tactics.
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