AKRON, OH—As President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial ended with an acquittal in the Senate, sources confirmed Friday that both parties acting exactly how everyone expected them to had restored the nation’s faith in its political process. “Watching the Democrats cower behind ineffectual high-minded rhetoric while the Republicans manipulated every procedure and spouted dangerous propaganda really affirmed my belief that today’s U.S. government is working exactly as intended,” said 43-year-old retail manager Aaron Bennett, echoing the sentiments of 325 million Americans who confirmed that although the impeachment trial had shaken their faith in their leaders, watching the Democrats belatedly pursue a narrow goal that resisted meaningfully challenging any structural issues, only to let themselves be easily obstructed by Republican leaders committed to holding power regardless of the consequences, offered sorely needed reassurance of the strength of the U.S. political system. “I was really worried impeachment indicated that the American way of life for the last several decades was at risk. I admit I even doubted whether our institutions could survive several Republicans deviating from their cynical embrace of an obvious criminal in order to further their callous agenda. The idea that Democrats were actually trying to pursue a moral objective instead of just using moral rhetoric as a smokescreen for accumulating influence really shook me. I’m just grateful that both parties were able to move past their differences and work together to uphold the American political system as we know it.” The relieved nation added that it would have been devastating if the Senate removed Trump, which would fly in the face of what the founding fathers wanted when they inscribed the principle of a few rich men shielding each other from accountability into the nation’s Constitution.
More from The Onion