NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now. “We’re all absolutely throbbing,” said president Susan N. Herman, confirming that Trump’s discriminatory prohibition had made the organization so stiff, its pants were this close to bursting. “At this point, it’s almost painful how engorged we are. Seriously, you could hang a coat hanger on this thing.” The ACLU acknowledged, however, that while it was fully and massively erect, it was unlikely to enjoy any kind of release until 2020 at least.

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