BOULDER, CO—Arriving in Colorado several days early to get acclimated to the 5,400-foot elevation, Republican presidential candidates have reportedly been preparing for Wednesday’s GOP primary debate with a series of high-altitude speaking drills. “When we first got here, Ted could hardly make it through a single answer about defunding Planned Parenthood before he started feeling nauseous, but practicing his talking points in this thin mountain air has really started to pay off,” said Ted Cruz campaign manager Jeff Roe, adding that his candidate would have struggled even more initially had he not also spent weeks rehearsing his remarks while wearing a special elevation training mask. “Since we’ve started doing the drills, he’s been able to get through his entire opening statement without gasping for breath. As long as he paces himself, he should be fine.” At press time, aides were rushing to supply oxygen to Marco Rubio after he passed out in the middle of lengthy comments about Hillary Clinton’s email server.

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