EMPORIA, VA—While attempting to help an exhausted, severely dehydrated canvasser to her feet Friday, a top aide to Hillary Clinton was reportedly instructed by the Democratic presidential candidate to discontinue his efforts and leave behind the enfeebled volunteer who had collapsed during the campaign’s march to South Carolina. “There is nothing else to be done for her—take her placards, buttons, and clipboard, and keep moving,” said Clinton, stating that the volunteer, who succumbed to fatigue after marching for 54 straight hours across the treacherous terrain between New Hampshire and South Carolina, would be replaced by another from the ranks. “This campaign has no room for the weak. Carry on.” At press time, Clinton was heard demanding the company double their pace after catching a volunteer break formation.

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