PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection. “I’ve already seen at least a dozen pathetic-as-fuck sad sacks who are more than eager to show off their precious little collection of historical pins, but I’m holding out for an absolute bottom-of-the-barrel loser—say, someone in a faded Carter-Mondale visor whose star-spangled blazer is entirely covered in those dumb fucking things,” said Raskin, ruling out a nearby woman wearing a sash full of “No More War” and “League of Women Voters” buttons for not displaying quite enough heartbreakingly genuine excitement in her eyes when asked which pin was her favorite. “The ideal one of these button freaks will have a red, white, and blue donkey painted on their face and scream ‘yes’ or ‘no’ whenever a speaker onstage asks a rhetorical question, like whether we’re going to let the income gap divide us as a nation. I know there are a fuckload of these dipshits out here; I just have to find them.” Raskin then excused himself after spotting an “absolutely perfect” specimen sporting a pin-laden denim vest and boater hat, plastic “2016” glasses, and who was singing and swaying in place to John Mellencamp’s “Pink Houses” as it played over the Wells Fargo Center sound system.

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