Illustration for article titled CNN Reveals Bernie Sanders Running For President Of Country With History Of Sexism

WASHINGTON—Calling their bombshell report incredibly damning, CNN revealed Thursday that Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders has been knowingly running a campaign to become president of a country with a long history of sexism. “This new evidence proves beyond a doubt that Bernie Sanders strongly wants to lead a nation that has repeatedly enabled, supported, and encouraged misogyny,” said Anderson Cooper in a breaking news segment, claiming to have several documents directly linking Sanders to a country that did not even allow women to vote until the 20th century. “Right here is a transcript of the text this woman-hating country was founded upon, a country which he willfully lives in and has publicly sworn an oath to, mind you. On just the first page it explicitly declares that all men are created equal, with absolutely no mention of women. And down here—look closely at these signatures that ratified this document as the supreme law of the land. You guessed it, all men.” At press time, CNN confirmed that Sanders had not yet denied his close ties to this country nor its tens of millions of residents with deeply ingrained biases against women.

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