WASHINGTON—Breaking into an anxious sweat while listening to the State of the Union address, Stacy Abrams reportedly suffered a panic attack Tuesday as she began to realize that President Trump was delivering a speech nearly identical to the one she already wrote. “Dammit, it’s not word for word, but all the same points about building a wall for border security, the booming economy, and defeating ISIS are all in there,” said the frantic, trembling Georgia Democrat, who wiped her brow while scrambling to make quick edits to her speech in an effort to lessen the obvious similarities between her rebuttal and the president’s current address. “At first I thought maybe they’d be different enough, but as soon as he started talking about the migrant caravan, I knew I was toast. Shit, everyone will think I just copied him. I spent so much time on this, and now I have to rush to rearrange the whole thing. ‘America First’ was supposed to be my shining moment. At least I can keep the part about loving my son Eric.” At press time, Abrams had ripped up her speech and completely started from scratch after hearing Trump deliver the same take on the threat of fake news.

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