WASHINGTON—Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly shocked Monday after suddenly realizing that he wrote his forthcoming memoir, A Higher Loyalty, as a defense mechanism to subconsciously mask his true, romantic feelings for President Donald Trump. “Oh, my God, it just dawned on me, I’m head over heels in love with President Trump—he’s all I think about, every hour of every day,” said Comey, who abruptly began to comprehend that his autobiography was essentially a love letter written to the 71-year-old commander in chief. “I mean, if I didn’t really like him, I’d just be apathetic, but I’ve been completely obsessed with Donald Trump for months now. Christ, it’s all starting to make sense. The reason I was so upset when I got fired [as FBI director] was because I wouldn’t get to spend time with him anymore. I know that he’s a flawed leader, but I just want to fix him.” At press time, Trump had taken to social media and dispatched several anger-filled tweets to obscure his deep, undying affection for Comey.
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