WASHINGTON—Calling the measure “a solution that satisfies both the Democrats’ desire for representation and the and Republicans’ job-creation strategy,” Congress announced Wednesday they had reached a bipartisan compromise and will admit the District of Columbia into the Union as a slave state. “After listening to passionate voices from each side and engaging in intense deliberation regarding what is best for our nation’s capital, we have found common ground and will recognize D.C. as a slave state,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), introducing a referendum that resolves the question of voter disenfranchisement in the district by making all 700,000 of its citizens property of the state. “Taxation without representation has been a point of contention regarding the district’s status for years, and the 2019 Washington Compromise resolves this perfectly. Residents cannot be required to pay burdensome taxes if they are not receiving any burdensome income. Yes, Democrats will obtain additional senators, and many on the right voiced opposition on the basis of upsetting the balance of power in the legislative branch, but as they were unable to deny the obvious economic benefits of reduced corporate overhead, both sides eventually got behind the idea. Of course, there will be a rather drastic adjustment period, but anyone who has read the Constitution will agree that this is what the founding fathers would have wanted.” Congress will further ensure a proper division of power by admitting Puerto Rico to the Union as a free state.

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