‘When You Hear Me On TV Saying You Need To Be Reined In, What I’m Really Saying Is I Love You,’ Says Candidate

Illustration for article titled Cory Booker Apologizes To Wall Street Bankers For The Mean Things He’s Going To Have To Say About Themem/em

WASHINGTON—Sighing with resignation as he spoke to those surrounding him, Democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker reportedly apologized to a coterie of Wall Street bankers Friday for all the mean things he is going to have to say about them in the upcoming months. “Things are liable to get a little ugly out there on the campaign trail, but if you ever hear me attacking you guys, just know I don’t really mean it, okay?” said Booker, squeezing the hand of several Goldman Sachs and Bank Of America CEOs in turn and making assurances that no matter what it might sound like on the campaign trail, they’ll never be far from his thoughts. “These next couple of years are going to be a real strain, but just remember that I’m doing it all for you. And I swear that when this crazy race is all over, things will be better between us than ever before. Now, we’re not going to be able to meet like this for a while, but just know that I’ll miss you all every day until we’re finally reunited again.” A tearful Booker then reportedly left for a meeting with health insurance executives to let them know that “while my mouth is saying ‘Medicare For All,’ my heart is saying ‘increased profit margins for Blue Cross Blue Shield and Cigna.’”

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