OSCEOLA, IA—In an attempt to show how much he had in common with the audience at a campaign event on an Iowa farm, Democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker tried to connect with rural voters Friday by deliberately mangling his hand in a grain auger. “Trust me when I say I understand the challenges faced by folks here in the Corn Belt because I know what it’s like to—oh, fuck! Oh, my fucking God!—suffer—holy fucking Jesus!—to suffer a debilitating farm accident,” said the New Jersey senator, biting his lip and raising the bloody, mutilated remains of his right hand in solidarity with farm workers in the crowd. “To voters throughout the American heartland, let me say this: Good-fucking-God!! Holy shitarrrghhh!! I have walked a mile in your shoes. I get that—hoo baby, okay, okay—that you need access to quality healthcare in your community, and believe me when I tell you that’s exactly what I am demanding, right here and now. Some of these people in Washington, their soft hands completely intact and never disfigured by an honest day’s work, may not get it, but—damn, damn, damn, damn, help me, help me, help me—I do.” At press time, sources confirmed Booker had continued to display empathy with the audience by explaining he now fully understood the struggles of opioid addiction.

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