DES MOINES, IA—Following the New Jersey senator’s decision to end his bid for the White House, sources confirmed Tuesday that without Cory Booker’s message of love and unity to hold it together, a bloody wave of chaos and rage had spread through the Democratic presidential field. According to eyewitnesses, absent Booker’s ideals of sympathy for those with different viewpoints and compassion for one’s political enemies, a series of violent attacks erupted among the candidates, with Joe Biden taking a tire iron to a campaign bus Pete Buttigieg had driven at full speed through a group of the former vice president’s canvassers. The sudden lack of caring and cooperation in the political atmosphere also reportedly led Amy Klobuchar to drag Andrew Yang by the hair through the streets of Des Moines, kick the entrepreneur unconscious, and throw him into a river. At press time, Mike Bloomberg is said to have responded to the primary race’s new climate by going door-to-door and pistol-whipping dozens of working-class Iowans until they agreed to vote for him.

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