WASHINGTON—In an effort to rebrand the struggling party after a poor showing in the 2016 elections and to win over voters ahead of next year’s midterms, the Democratic National Committee on Monday unveiled 324 million new slogans to appeal to each United States resident individually. “We’re going to let Americans know that we’re fighting for each of them specifically with tailored slogans such as ‘A Better Construction Job For Brian’ and ‘Improving Schools For Your 9-Year-Old Twins Chloe And Sara,’” explained DNC chair Tom Perez, adding that the party sought to connect with more Americans by placing the customized slogans on postcards and door-hanger advertisements personally addressed to every inhabitant of the U.S. “From ‘Better Healthcare For Bill Webber’s Diabetes’ to ‘Mallory, We’ll Put That New Addition On Your House,’ to ‘We Can Probably Get You Five Minutes With Mark Ruffalo, Janice Marcott Of Cheyenne, Wyoming,’ our new party slogans have been carefully calibrated to narrowly focus on the issues each particular voter cares about most.” At press time, the DNC had already botched the rollout and sent bumper stickers with “Lowering Child Support For Ted” to all 324 million Americans.

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